“Ladies: You Can Approach Me When I’m Single Too!”
by Michael “Leonidas” Childress
Let us not mince words fearless readers! Methinks Cletus the Slack-Jawed Yokel could figure out my intentions from the title of this [my third UML guest post - serving both to entertain and infuriate with equal fervor] supposition on another female-spawned enigma related to the quagmire that is the world of dating and relationships!
This particular bit of Cro-Mag deliciousness was brought to you by a phenomenon observable in the real world, pretty much on a daily basis. The lion’s share of my guy friends seem to have experienced this mystical [mythical if you listen to some women] interaction at some point in their lives when they have been in a monogamous relationship. The situation [hypothetical here, but empirical in the real world] is: A guy is with his girlfriend, wife, mistress, etc. in a public place. Said female escort [no pun intended!] leaves to use the powder room. Enter the interloper! A female most likely unfamiliar with either the man or the now-absent female approaches the male like a lioness stalking a wounded gazelle on the Serengeti… Ok. The next bit can differ dependent upon the lioness in question, the particular location of the attack and the level of intoxication of the male target and/or that of the huntress. Let’s say that our hypothetical threesome [again, no pun intended] are all in the bar section of a nice restaurant in Washington, D.C. and the libations are flowing on all fronts.
Now that the location of this fictional interlude is settled…depending on certain variables, other than location and alcohol consumption, at this point lots of different things can happen. The aforementioned variables in question pertain to the characteristics of both the female launching the full-court press and the guy on the receiving end of the wanton attention. Of course we must remember that there is a time factor here unless the female headed to powder her nose was actually using the bathroom trip as an excuse to ditch the dude in question or ended up meeting her version of Fabio en route to the Loo… I digress! This is one instance in the real world where the male has total hand [power] to decide the outcome of the interaction with the lady. Will our fearless hero of the story take the moral high ground and send the strumpet packing or will he live up to the douchebag stereotype and get the digits for a future rendezvous or, even worse, will he leave his date post haste and exit stage left with the relationship-threatening harlot?! I’m hoping he sends her packing if it’s his wife or girlfriend!
Oh, wait! I forgot. I am not here to discuss what happens after the antagonist of the story approaches our victim! I am much more interested in what spawns the action of approaching the male that is with another female in the first place. Well that and to theorize on why this topic doesn’t get more attention. Awwwwww sad face on readers’ faces. The thing that people don’t want to hear is that there is obviously some psychopathology there! Is this pursuit merely about obtaining the unobtainable [or supposedly unobtainable…]? Or does it have to do with the fact that another woman obviously found something in the guy in question and because she seemingly digs him he must be a good catch? Is this some innate behavior manifesting itself like you seen in the lower echelons of the animal kingdom? Is this something about the inherent desire to create strong offspring? Inquiring minds want to know. How many women successfully lure the guy away from the girl in the bathroom only to lose interest in him after securing him?! I minored in psychology as an undergrad, but the only result of said studies seems to be the more frequent usage of the word “psychobabble”. I even took a class entitled “The Psychology of Women” at one point. Luckily the professor was hot because I left feeling more confused than before enrolling in the class. Now my friends…this is not about psychological theory, “…this is…[UML]!” Well given that this is a blog post and not an ask-and-answer session with members of “the fairer sex” I am now going to exert my literary will as dictator of this discourse and simply drop golden nuggets of pure Cro-Mag wisdom on you. Boom! You might need a cigarette and a sandwich afterwards. Feel free to comment with your own pearls of wisdom or retorts in the comment section below. Unlike my previous two blogs for UML this one won’t be complete until you guys weigh in. Consider this a democracy for a brief period of time! The operative word being “brief”…
Now to be clear, I am in no way, shape or form here to provide a defense for guys that cheat; however there seems to be some serious carrot dangling [apologies for the phallic allusion] going on out there ladies! Obviously related to the “taken phenomenon” is the fact that many married men seem to think their wedding ring is also a magnet for female attentions. Ohhhhh come now ladies a guy in a committed relationship is one thing, but a married man?! In all seriousness I have always been a huge proponent of the statement that “it takes two to tango”. I’ve witnessed a lot of dudes give no consideration to the relationship status of a woman they approach in a club or bar or whatnot. I think there’s a general lack of discipline and self-control amongst men and women when interacting with the opposite sex. A lot of people turn into straight idiots during such interactions in fact. Men and women in monogamous relationships are not heroin! I do suppose there could be some sort of stimulation related to cheating that could contribute to its appeal to so many… This is about where I hit the proverbial wall regarding analysis of the female perspective on this and pretty much any issue… I can speculate until the proverbial cows come home, but I am a dude. Profound…I know.
As a guy with high levels of testosterone I know that the male sex drive can be a harsh master [mistress?]. A stiff breeze can be the impetus of “excitement” on a bad day! Even with all of this testosterone surging in me I still seem to have control of myself enough to not dry hump the leg of every attractive female in my purview. I also don’t hit on [known] married or otherwise spoken for females. So I can’t even identify with the guys that do that kind of stuff! Females, as we know, are chemically and biologically and anatomically different from men. Duh. I can’t even fathom what it’s like to be a female although I probably would have had more drinks bought for me in the past. Ahhhhhh enter alcohol! That sexy beast. That perpetual gamechanger! I do know that alcohol can be a catalyst for the sex drive [if not for sex performance!]. With the consumption of libations inhibitions magically melt away and all of a sudden making out with a stranger and table dancing topless doesn’t seem so wrong…until the next morning… Ever been to Vegas? Some purport that booze helps reveal your true nature, but I think that is absolute bollocks. Alcohol affects one’s physiology. It does some crazy stuff to the nervous system and brain! Of course alcohol can definitely play a significant role in this inappropriate desire to get some taboo lovin’, but it is not required to approach a person already in a relationship. What it comes down to is weakness. We all have them. We’re all human. Whether there are some other Freudian or Jungian or Sponge Bob-ian explanations for such behavior is a something for someone with a DSM-V on their bookshelf and a nice leather couch in their office to contemplate.
Soooooo initially when I was discussing this recently with [R E D A C T E D] we were kind of like, “Yeaahhhhhh suck it ladies! You gals love dishing it out to us from your ivory towers while you engage in the same behaviors! Booyaahh!” It ended up being “Well we [cowboys and cowgirls] seem to be more alike than we care to admit. Balls.” Ultimately we can all approach people that are single [assuming we’re single ourselves naturally!] and not worry that they are damaged goods or serial killers or some other nefarious character. Being single should not be some badge of disgrace like some sort of nouveau scarlet letter. As most of us can testify people [of both sexes] date and marry horrible people all the time. That’s a whole other blog topic of course.
So here’s a novel idea: How’s about we all leave the married and taken people be and try to act like the smart monkeys we’re purported to be?! It’s ok to talk to people of the opposite sex in monogamous relationships obviously. If your intentions are not to do the horizontal mambo with the person you’re chatting up have at it! If you’re doing bodyshots off of each other within the first few minutes of you need to bail. Go take a cold shower and call your significant other. Or you can join a dating site if you have no “other” to speak of. All that said…remember ladies: if we’re both single then it’s “game on!” Crack the Jagermeister bottle and let the inhibitions fall!
Perhaps the word most associated with marriage is ‘sacrifice.’ When married, one must sacrifice many things in the name of marital bliss – time, money, hobbies, etc. These sacrifices come not in the form of total rejection, but that one cannot think solely of oneself, one must consider how your partner will be affected. Marriage introduces choices. One can choose to spend time with their partner, or one can choose to pursue a hobby. Either way, the choice involves sacrifice. Through these sacrifices, one learns about oneself, more so than they could as an individual because the results of your choices affects another person. Learning to frame choices in the context of how the outcome affects others is a profoundly spiritual concept and one that quickly provides a greater sense of who you are as a person, what you value, and what you can do to improve yourself as a human being. Being single, your choices have much less impact on other people. If you choose to go out with one group of friends instead of another, no big deal. There may be some hurt feelings, but they are usually short-lived and easily forgotten. In marriage, your choices add up, and in order to make a marriage work, one must strive to view their choices in the context of the whole, and not as isolated incidents. Doing so requires one to step outside oneself, to look at oneself from a distance and judge dispassionately your thoughts and reasons behind your decisions. This is about as spiritual an exercise as one can ever hope to practice, and there is no better medium in which to practice it than marriage.
A core tenant of Buddhist philosophy is the idea that life is suffering, and that the only way to free oneself from that suffering is to abandon worldly goods and concepts in favor of a monastic lifestyle devoid of all but the most barren of necessities. Whether this is true of not is beyond my understanding, but one thing I do know is that, in the absence of giving up all your worldly possessions, modern single life, with all the freedoms and choices associated with it, is not an appropriate substitute. Spirituality comes from true challenges, and marriage provides a far better framework within which one can be challenged than being single. Through marriage with a person you love, and who loves you in return, you can both become more spiritual and self-aware than as individuals. Marriage doesn’t mean giving up the things you love – it means learning how to continue pursuing the things you love while being aware of the effects those pursuits have on someone with whom you share a deep love, understanding, and desire to make their life more meaningful. This is the true benefit of marriage, and, if properly understood and pursued, can provide a more meaningful path to spiritual awareness than a lifetime of being single.
The Call. The Text. Accusations.
If you’ve ever been in any sort of relationship, you’ve all been on the receiving end.
A few years ago and a day, thats when it all happened. I was walking. The sun was shining. Birds were chirping and then something in my pocket started to vibrate.
“You have mail.”
No, it wasn’t AOL. I said a few years ago, not the nineties. (Editorial Note: It was a Facebook message.)
Who knows where or when it started but I knew where it would end.
Some things come out of left field. Like this post. Just something that all of us go through at some point and from my brief time on this Earth seems likely to continue.
For whatever reason, women, or at least some women (and not the ones reading this, of course) know just the time and place to strike where it will hit hardest. From the second they met you, they were scanning for your Achilles’ Heel and chances are they knew where it was after a few dates but were keeping it in their back pocket for that moment when they needed it. Just when something good has happened – a birthday, promotion, a new car or apartment – the island is in view and you’ve been at sea for months, and then the wind stops blowing.
Where do you think you’re going, Romeo?
Remember that time you forgot to bring her hot and sour soup? You ROYALLY fucked up a long time ago, and she thinks now is the perfect time to discuss it. Why not? You seem just a bit too happy for her not to be the root cause of it…
A scandalous picture of you and some chic at the bar showed up on Facebook. You didn’t give the right response and she’s been thinking, stewing, STEAMING over it all this time. Oh, you thought she would forget about all that…
It doesn’t matter what you did, she knows you did something.
In the movies, you can always tell when something dramatic is about to happen – the lights darken, the camera pans out, the music gets more intense, and your heart starts to beat faster, but…
Real Fights Have No Soundtrack.
There is no cue or director.There is no script.
All of a sudden, you find yourself in the heart of one. And she’s not going to wait for you to remember your next line. If you’re like me, you’re only thinking one thing:
It’s funny, but the right skillfully crafted message can cut deeper than the sharpest object.
I know I’ve been there. One moment, you’re humming along, all your friends seem to like you, boss pats you on the back for a job well done, the dog fixes himself dinner and takes himself out for a walk, and then all hell breaks lose.
One particular time a few years ago is seared into my memory. Tattooed, might be the more appropriate word.
Everything in my life was going up hill. I mean everything.
And then I checked my messages.
I don’t know what it is in the female brain that seems to find the perfect moment to cut you down to size. It’s not that guys won’t start fights. Quite the contrary. But when someone is about to punch you in the face, you usually know you’re about to get punched in the face.
But the opposite sex, they know how to knock you out before the bell started the round. DING!
There are no words of advice in this post. If you’ve read this far, you probably already know that a verbal argument with the woman you’re dating will probably only result in one outcome – your loss.
I won’t go into details but I found myself on the losing end. She had about a 20 point lead before she asked me to play. The fight had actually started months before when I was looking the other way. A suspicion that she had. And whether the suspicion was warranted or not, did.not. matter. It was my fault.
Some arguments, you’re just going to have fight your instinct if you want to keep the relationship going…Even if you win the argument, even if you convince her that she was wrong, what has that really gotten you? See, if Hollywood and Disney misled women into believing these fairy tale Princess tales, they did just as much damage to men by thinking that when you’re about to fight, the Rocky music starts playing and you’ll have a crowd cheering behind you by the end. But see, when you fight with her, you may have won, but there’ll be no-one standing in your corner…
The truth is, you BOTH have to want to work it out and sometimes, nothing you’re going to say is going to make any difference. In fact, in my experience, the more I said, the worse the situation became… You two may just have to take a break and let time sort it out. She has to remember ALL the good times she had with you and for what its worth, she has to know that you feel all the pain that you’ve caused her. There may be a better way of describing this, but these are the words I have at the moment.
“We must hang together or assuredly we shall all hang separately.” – Benjamin Franklin
So, Gentlemen, this is one of those post that you just have to reflect on – there are no words of wisdom. Try Yoda. Just hold your ground, don’t lose your cool. Throw on the kevlar and keep on chucking. Real fights have no soundtrack, but as cliche as it sounds, anything worth having, is worth fighting for…
This is Ethan Bishop, Over and Out.
As always, your comments welcome.