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Man Law #88 – Real Fights Have No Soundtrack
The Call. The Text. Accusations.
What do you mean "you're not a mind reader?"
If you’ve ever been in any sort of relationship, you’ve all been on the receiving end.
A few years ago and a day, thats when it all happened. I was walking. The sun was shining. Birds were chirping and then something in my pocket started to vibrate.
“You have mail.”
No, it wasn’t AOL. I said a few years ago, not the nineties. (Editorial Note: It was a Facebook message.)
Who knows where or when it started but I knew where it would end.
Some things come out of left field. Like this post. Just something that all of us go through at some point and from my brief time on this Earth seems likely to continue.
For whatever reason, women, or at least some women (and not the ones reading this, of course) know just the time and place to strike where it will hit hardest. From the second they met you, they were scanning for your Achilles’ Heel and chances are they knew where it was after a few dates but were keeping it in their back pocket for that moment when they needed it. Just when something good has happened – a birthday, promotion, a new car or apartment – the island is in view and you’ve been at sea for months, and then the wind stops blowing.
Where do you think you’re going, Romeo?
Remember that time you forgot to bring her hot and sour soup? You ROYALLY fucked up a long time ago, and she thinks now is the perfect time to discuss it. Why not? You seem just a bit too happy for her not to be the root cause of it…
Yup.
A scandalous picture of you and some chic at the bar showed up on Facebook. You didn’t give the right response and she’s been thinking, stewing, STEAMING over it all this time. Oh, you thought she would forget about all that…
It doesn’t matter what you did, she knows you did something.
In the movies, you can always tell when something dramatic is about to happen – the lights darken, the camera pans out, the music gets more intense, and your heart starts to beat faster, but…
Real Fights Have No Soundtrack.
There is no cue or director.There is no script.
All of a sudden, you find yourself in the heart of one. And she’s not going to wait for you to remember your next line. If you’re like me, you’re only thinking one thing:
“Shit.”
It’s funny, but the right skillfully crafted message can cut deeper than the sharpest object.
I know I’ve been there. One moment, you’re humming along, all your friends seem to like you, boss pats you on the back for a job well done, the dog fixes himself dinner and takes himself out for a walk, and then all hell breaks lose.
One particular time a few years ago is seared into my memory. Tattooed, might be the more appropriate word.
Everything in my life was going up hill. I mean everything.
And then I checked my messages.
Sold at a store near you.
I don’t know what it is in the female brain that seems to find the perfect moment to cut you down to size. It’s not that guys won’t start fights. Quite the contrary. But when someone is about to punch you in the face, you usually know you’re about to get punched in the face.
But the opposite sex, they know how to knock you out before the bell started the round. DING!
There are no words of advice in this post. If you’ve read this far, you probably already know that a verbal argument with the woman you’re dating will probably only result in one outcome – your loss.
I won’t go into details but I found myself on the losing end. She had about a 20 point lead before she asked me to play. The fight had actually started months before when I was looking the other way. A suspicion that she had. And whether the suspicion was warranted or not, did.not. matter. It was my fault.
Some arguments, you’re just going to have fight your instinct if you want to keep the relationship going…Even if you win the argument, even if you convince her that she was wrong, what has that really gotten you? See, if Hollywood and Disney misled women into believing these fairy tale Princess tales, they did just as much damage to men by thinking that when you’re about to fight, the Rocky music starts playing and you’ll have a crowd cheering behind you by the end. But see, when you fight with her, you may have won, but there’ll be no-one standing in your corner…
The Helpless, Both Hands Up in the air gesture, is a powerful move by the female sex. Proceed with caution, Gentlemen...
The truth is, you BOTH have to want to work it out and sometimes, nothing you’re going to say is going to make any difference. In fact, in my experience, the more I said, the worse the situation became… You two may just have to take a break and let time sort it out. She has to remember ALL the good times she had with you and for what its worth, she has to know that you feel all the pain that you’ve caused her. There may be a better way of describing this, but these are the words I have at the moment.
“We must hang together or assuredly we shall all hang separately.” – Benjamin Franklin
So, Gentlemen, this is one of those post that you just have to reflect on – there are no words of wisdom. Try Yoda. Just hold your ground, don’t lose your cool. Throw on the kevlar and keep on chucking. Real fights have no soundtrack, but as cliche as it sounds, anything worth having, is worth fighting for…
This is Ethan Bishop, Over and Out.
As always, your comments welcome.
There’s No Rest Day in Sparta: Interview with Personal Trainer, Whitney M. Cole
Fitness has always been an integral part of my life. As early as 5 years old, I have been an active soccer player. During the next ten years, our soccer team traveled throughout the East Coast and won two State Championships. It wasn’t until I was in high school that I discovered the gym and started weight lifting regularly. There are few feelings on this earth that feel better than a solid gym work out, just listen to Arnold Schwarzenegger describe “The Pump” from Pumping Iron (1977) and Yes, I have experienced this:
Our sole purpose in this life is to survive long enough to reproduce (See: Abiogensis). As a result, we are naturally attracted to those individuals who exhibit characteristics that will provide for healthy offspring. Therefore, our ability to maintain a healthy lifestyle is imperative towards increasing our overall attractiveness.
In this interview, we talk about how we can improve our physical body. Whitney M. Cole came recommended through a mutual acquaintance. Her dedication towards living a healthy lifestyle astounded me and I thought it would benefit our readers if they learned from her as I have. Whitney is a certified personal trainer, Pilates practitioner and nutrition counselor. As you can see through this interview, Whitney’s approach to fitness is both practical yet humorous at the same time. In addition to maintaining a blog (www.whitneymcole.com), Facebook Site, and Twitter (http://twitter.com/fitnessandfuel) , she is the Health and Fitness Editor of Dimensions Weekly, a recognized Fitness Expert on Diet.com and Health Maven at Wellsphere.com . Currently, she trains clients locally in Los Angeles and virtually through her website, www.whitneymcole.com.
As with all interviews, I requested the members of The Unbreakable Man Laws Fan Site for questions they might have for her.
Ethan Bishop: A sentiment I hear all the time in one form or another is: “I want to get in shape and tone up but I
Whitney M. Cole
HATE the gym!” When you have clients who feel this way, how do you approach training for these people that wouldn’t be caught dead on a treadmill?
Whitney: I ask a lot of questions to determine why this person hates the gym and make a plan to minimize their distain given the clients’ goals and resources. I train many anxious and time-strapped clients in their home to avoid the crowd. Equipment is not necessary, but I do bring light weights, stability challenging tools, resistance bands, the Bosu, etc. When I hear this from a client who is obviously just uncomfortable and overwhelmed by the gym, I do seek to break this self-imposed limitation. There are so many tools, classes and inspiring people that you get access for the minimal cost of a gym membership, often $30! Learning proficiency with the exercises and equipment breeds comfort and confidence.
For those who feel trapped indoors, I have a blast doing outdoor individual and group training on the beach, Pacific Palisades Park in Santa Monica, along trails like Runyon Canyon in West Hollywood, in playgrounds… We do a lot more body weight only or light weight workouts with Pilates and military bootcamp inspiration, and I also like to add portions of many outdoor sports: running, biking, hiking, surfing, swimming, kayaking…when possible. One of my favorites is a land and water workout I call the “Surf & Turf.” Non gym environments provide unique elements like hills, sand, and water we can use to make the workout more challenging. If there’s a sport they currently or formerly enjoyed, I’ll incorporate moves and motivation similar to what they pull from the field to maintain focus. Clearly outdoor sports and training are weather-specific. Always have a backup plan. A weak man cancels because the weather, an unbreakable man or woman is resourceful.
Ethan Bishop: Many guys, and probably Americans in general, take better care of their cars than their bodies. Why do you think this is happening? What can we do about it?
Whitney: If the car has significant visible damage, we take it in for repair. To fix a massive dented or splintered glass in the windshield, we know the finest shoulder maximizing, gut minimizing blazer, tailored slacks, wrinkle cream, and Just for Men hair color ain’t gonna help. We each spend thousands every year on these little cheat fixers which to our own detriment, perpetuate our ability to hide what we don’t like about our bodies. The return on most of these investments sucks. Stop. Put your money to work on the real problem. Examine your budget and determine what you can spend on a trainer who will design a customized fitness program for you, even better if they can teach you nutrition too. If you can’t afford a trainer, I still recommend you pony up for a least one session. Be honest that you can only afford one and the trainer will work on developing a program that you can do on your own and ensure you know how to execute proper form before you leave.
Ethan Bishop: Where can I go to get solid weight lifting/workout advice without being bombarded with supplement ads?
Whitney: No shit. I hate those ads. I always picture those overpumped dudes farting their way around the gym as most lab-created supplements are really tough to digest and absorb. That’s probably the hardest question, given everyone starts at such a different place. Sadly, few people even, avid gym-junkies, reading fitness mags actually know how to cue the proper muscles in basic exercises without recruiting dominant muscles, commonly quads, traps, etc. Thus, it’s hard not to write to the lowest common denominator to prevent people injuring themselves. Nail your basics (get a thumbs up from an expert) and then move onto the fancy stuff. Look at videos vs. static pictures to observe the full execution each exercise, and then practice in front of a mirror. Most stuff you find in print will be on the magazine’s web site in video. Never hurts to ask a trainer how your form looks. Assuming you’ve got the basics down, I do like some of Men’s Health and Men’s Fitness articles as they focus on one athlete and the program has been designed by his trainer. Go online to look at the video.
Ethan Bishop: Many of us have 9-5 day jobs or jobs that keep us seated for long periods of time. A problem that I run into is keeping energy levels constant until I can leave work and make it to the gym. What nutritional foods can I use instead of coffee and/or caffeine pills to get me through the day without feeling starved?
Whitney M. Cole, V-Day
Whitney: Consistent fueling throughout the day (so as not to starve or overload). Yup, it requires planning, but that planning becomes clockwork in a week or two. Keep non-perishable snacks (unsalted nuts, peelable citrus fruits, apples and bottles of water) in the car, office, or anywhere you spend time. For items requiring coolness, buy a cool pack if you don’t have access to an office fridge or plan ahead where you can get healthy brain and body fuel nearby. For additional energy and focus, I do recommend drinking unsweetened (avoid real or artificial sugar) green tea (hot or cold) throughout the day switching to decaf as it affects your sleep.
Ethan Bishop: I know you must get this question a lot – How can living healthy improve my sex life? Are there specific exercises or diets you recommend to clients to improve ::ahem:: performance outside of the gym?
Whitney: Affirmative. A fit and fueled bod amps confidence, improves sensitivity and verbal and nonverbal communication. A natural healthy diet is key to making those workouts work for you in and out of the bedroom, I mean, gym. My clients’ diet, The Arsenal assumes that while man’s food choices have evolved, our digestive systems haven’t. So stick with what was growing or grazing in the field and swimming in the sea: veggies and fruits, eggs, lean meat and fish, nuts…and extra pounds won’t stick to you, slowing carnal pursuits.
5-6 workouts a week of different types will keep you tightened and toned. Look good in more than just candlelight. Don’t be the meathead that just lifts. Get your butt outside or on a machine for at least three 30min cardio sessions / week. Add interval training to improve speed and recovery time. You need your heart and lungs to be working efficiently. Seriously, add some Pilates in for spice. The increased range of motion will allow you to engage more muscles, even ones you didn’t know you had, in all activities: translation increased metabolism, coordination and add brute power too.
Yes, put fitness, fuel and better sex on your To-Do list!
Vary your workouts to continually challenge your body.
Ethan Bishop: Since you’ve been in California, have you met Ahhnold?
Whitney: Nope, but Maria called yesterday when she was driving. I hung up. We Californians can’t afford to pay another one of her tickets.
Ethan Bishop: For those of us thinking about hiring a Personal Trainer, what information should we go in there with? Is it realistic to think that we can go in there with a cover of Men’s Fitness or Women’s Health and say, “Make me look like this”?
Genetics plays a heavy role in determining how we look, including how and where we put on muscle and store fat. That being said, there’s a lot in our control and it’s your choice to work out hard (and smart), fuel properly and lead a healthy lifestyle to look and feel your best. In always ask clients to bring a goal photo: of themselves when they “had it” or of a model / celebrity who’s bod they want. I can quickly confirm that’s realistic, sort out any head cases, or, point out any differences between the client’s and celeb’s body types, noting we’ll strive for the arms, chest, back, abs, butt in the pic and how they can expect their particular body type to respond and look. Again, YOUR BEST!
(Editorial Note: The next part of the interview consisted of questions directly posed by members of the Unbreakable Man Laws Fan site…)
Man Law #72 – Detach from the Outcome: “If at first you don’t succeed, try someone else…”
“As soon as the desire to win emerges, one loses perspective and attempts to force the issue, which can result in defeat.” – Ancient Budo Wisdom (See the book: Budo Secrets)
There are many factors that make one attractive to the opposite sex. One of the most PROMINENT attractors are those who appear not to be overly concerned with the outcome. While this post is written from the male perspective, it applies to both sexes. Practitioners of this MAN LAW want things to go in their favor, however, they realize that they are not dependent on a reaction from this person.
The stars don't have to align for the first kiss. Simply don't ask questions, be confident in your movements. And go for it.
For instance, here is a sample conversation of what one might encounter in his pursuits to find – the one:
Her: “We are NOT having sex tonight.”
Your response: “OK!!! “
Her: “Good.I’m glad we made that clear.”
Her (thinks to self): WTF? Why doesn’t he like me? I better f*** him.
Now, Gentlemen, I realize this seems to be counter-intuitive, but if you get into this situation, just trust me on this one. Don’t start listing how you were on the Honor Roll in High School, played Varsity Football at Texas, and helped feed starving children in Haiti. Just STFU and say: “Ok!”
And here’s the secret. You have to mean it.
Now, if you become too indifferent, too nonchalant, women will throw you into a different category. They call these guys – assholes.
And while you may have heard that being an asshole is attractive to women, it’s really a combination of other characteristics that makes him attractive. He only becomes an asshole AFTER the woman realizes that he’s not behaving as she thinks that he should. (Editorial Note: Now, guys also have another name for a woman that fall into this category, but that’s another story.)
When we exert too much importance on a specific event, we can EASILY become overbearing and have the opposite effect of pushing that person away. We’ve all done it, I know I have. You find yourself contacting that person way too much – you follow up the phone call, with a text, with a Facebook message, with another text, with another phone call. If the person REALLY wanted to get back in touch with you, they would have done so after the first or second attempt. At this point you need to do one thing and one thing only.
The Trials of Today will make you the Man of Tomorrow.
Let Go.
Or as a good friend suggested to me for a Man Law a few months ago – “If at first you don’t succeed, try someone else.”
You INCREASE your value to the person of interest when you show that you are not attached to a response from her. You are not NEEDY of them. If you’ve ever heard a girl describe a guy she went on a date with as pushy or “try hard”, he was doing too many things to impress the girl. Women sense this and a lot of times they’ll say to themselves “Why is he trying so hard? He must not have any options.”
In some regards, you can view being “detached from the outcome” as a way of being mysterious. The other person can not really tell if you are interested in them or not. When you find yourself becoming attached, you’ll spend time and effort thinking of everything right that you can do, only to have the girl think to herself “He’s cool, but he would really be great for someone else. I think we should just be friends” and she’ll turn around right after your date that night and go home with the construction worker who asked her to buy him a PBR.
If the person is right for us, there will be PLENTY of opportunities to go on fancy dates, expensive dinners, concerts, and vacations at exotic resorts. Just because she says she is a Ford Model doesn’t mean you have to take her to the Four Seasons when you first go out with her.
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