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Man Law #88 – Real Fights Have No Soundtrack
The Call. The Text. Accusations.
What do you mean "you're not a mind reader?"
If you’ve ever been in any sort of relationship, you’ve all been on the receiving end.
A few years ago and a day, thats when it all happened. I was walking. The sun was shining. Birds were chirping and then something in my pocket started to vibrate.
“You have mail.”
No, it wasn’t AOL. I said a few years ago, not the nineties. (Editorial Note: It was a Facebook message.)
Who knows where or when it started but I knew where it would end.
Some things come out of left field. Like this post. Just something that all of us go through at some point and from my brief time on this Earth seems likely to continue.
For whatever reason, women, or at least some women (and not the ones reading this, of course) know just the time and place to strike where it will hit hardest. From the second they met you, they were scanning for your Achilles’ Heel and chances are they knew where it was after a few dates but were keeping it in their back pocket for that moment when they needed it. Just when something good has happened – a birthday, promotion, a new car or apartment – the island is in view and you’ve been at sea for months, and then the wind stops blowing.
Where do you think you’re going, Romeo?
Remember that time you forgot to bring her hot and sour soup? You ROYALLY fucked up a long time ago, and she thinks now is the perfect time to discuss it. Why not? You seem just a bit too happy for her not to be the root cause of it…
Yup.
A scandalous picture of you and some chic at the bar showed up on Facebook. You didn’t give the right response and she’s been thinking, stewing, STEAMING over it all this time. Oh, you thought she would forget about all that…
It doesn’t matter what you did, she knows you did something.
In the movies, you can always tell when something dramatic is about to happen – the lights darken, the camera pans out, the music gets more intense, and your heart starts to beat faster, but…
Real Fights Have No Soundtrack.
There is no cue or director.There is no script.
All of a sudden, you find yourself in the heart of one. And she’s not going to wait for you to remember your next line. If you’re like me, you’re only thinking one thing:
“Shit.”
It’s funny, but the right skillfully crafted message can cut deeper than the sharpest object.
I know I’ve been there. One moment, you’re humming along, all your friends seem to like you, boss pats you on the back for a job well done, the dog fixes himself dinner and takes himself out for a walk, and then all hell breaks lose.
One particular time a few years ago is seared into my memory. Tattooed, might be the more appropriate word.
Everything in my life was going up hill. I mean everything.
And then I checked my messages.
Sold at a store near you.
I don’t know what it is in the female brain that seems to find the perfect moment to cut you down to size. It’s not that guys won’t start fights. Quite the contrary. But when someone is about to punch you in the face, you usually know you’re about to get punched in the face.
But the opposite sex, they know how to knock you out before the bell started the round. DING!
There are no words of advice in this post. If you’ve read this far, you probably already know that a verbal argument with the woman you’re dating will probably only result in one outcome – your loss.
I won’t go into details but I found myself on the losing end. She had about a 20 point lead before she asked me to play. The fight had actually started months before when I was looking the other way. A suspicion that she had. And whether the suspicion was warranted or not, did.not. matter. It was my fault.
Some arguments, you’re just going to have fight your instinct if you want to keep the relationship going…Even if you win the argument, even if you convince her that she was wrong, what has that really gotten you? See, if Hollywood and Disney misled women into believing these fairy tale Princess tales, they did just as much damage to men by thinking that when you’re about to fight, the Rocky music starts playing and you’ll have a crowd cheering behind you by the end. But see, when you fight with her, you may have won, but there’ll be no-one standing in your corner…
The Helpless, Both Hands Up in the air gesture, is a powerful move by the female sex. Proceed with caution, Gentlemen...
The truth is, you BOTH have to want to work it out and sometimes, nothing you’re going to say is going to make any difference. In fact, in my experience, the more I said, the worse the situation became… You two may just have to take a break and let time sort it out. She has to remember ALL the good times she had with you and for what its worth, she has to know that you feel all the pain that you’ve caused her. There may be a better way of describing this, but these are the words I have at the moment.
“We must hang together or assuredly we shall all hang separately.” – Benjamin Franklin
So, Gentlemen, this is one of those post that you just have to reflect on – there are no words of wisdom. Try Yoda. Just hold your ground, don’t lose your cool. Throw on the kevlar and keep on chucking. Real fights have no soundtrack, but as cliche as it sounds, anything worth having, is worth fighting for…
This is Ethan Bishop, Over and Out.
As always, your comments welcome.
Man Law#78 – “Love rarely calls on us at a time of our choosing…”
“I remember making a long list of what I wanted in someone—and I lost the list, but I found the guy,” – Sigourney Weaver (In the article “A Force of Nature,” Parade Magazine, 11/29/2009)
Write the name of this picture down Gentlemen, because every woman you date will likely know it - "Le Baiser de L'Hotel de Ville, Paris, 1950" by Robert Doisneau
Life is action. Too many of us strive to wait until conditions are absolutely perfect before making a move. Whether it’s in regards to relationships and being extremely selective with who we date to making a choice that requires us to take a chance for once in our life. We are expected to make mistakes along the way while we figure out who we are and what to do with ourselves. The key is that we cannot be afraid to make a move in the first place. Go Forward. Get Moving. Take a Chance. The plane is going to take off whether you are at the airport or not.
Nature has a funny way of showing us the path we need to follow. Often, when we are NOT looking for something, that very thing will fall into our lap. We don’t even realize that the answer is right there in front of us. The second we stop wondering if we are there yet – we’ve arrived. Are you looking for millions of dollars to appear tomorrow on your doorstep? Here is one dollar to start you off, lets see what you can do with it. Make it a million. That’s nature.
I’m not a huge believer in soul mates. I believe that if you find someone that makes you happy, you should give it a chance and see where it goes. Just because he or she does not meet your laundry list of requirements, does not mean that person is not right for you.
Although this may be hard to believe, anytime I meet someone to whom I am extremely attracted, I’ve taught myself to just take it slow. This is very different from failing to act or pursuing this person. It’s so easy for us to meet someone we’re attracted to and think we’re in love when we don’t know that person at all and are instead infatuated with the idea of her. I have very rarely seen someone and immediately thought – she’s the one. Only after meeting with her for weeks/months do I wake up one day and literally say to myself:
“Holy shit, I think I love this person.”
Enjoy The Moment.
However, as a young lad, I would frequently go through a period of what guys commonly refer to as “dryspells.” While women make claims this happens to them too, for men this is not a choice. During this time period, anything with a pulse is fair game. The second any woman showed the slightest bit of interest. Love struck.
In high school, we didn’t use unmanly terms like “love”, so we replaced it with “like.” While all men are different, it has been my experience that the vast majority of guys have a hard time determining how they feel at any given moment. Although the guy knows that he feels something, its sometimes a challenge for him to verbally communicate this to others. For example, guys receive the following advice from upper classmen like I did:
Joe Freshman: “I think I like this girl in Bio. I can’t stop thinking about her.”
John Upperclassman:”Woooahhhh…Slow down buddy. Here’s what you do. A good way of telling if you really like someone is to jerk off. If you are still thinking about the same person after your done…son, well you may be in love.”
— What?? —
Luckily, I’ve learned through experience and over time, that there are better indicators of love than the advice John Upperclassman had bestowed on me. Too often people look at love as a final destination, when they really should see it as a life long journey.
Ladies and Gents, don’t hold out waiting for some mythical person that may never arrive. Go out, live each day and be open to new experiences. Love rarely calls on us at a time of our choosing so when you DO find that person that makes you happy. Enjoy it. Live each day like it will be your last, and never take each other for granted.
Man Law #72 – Detach from the Outcome: “If at first you don’t succeed, try someone else…”
“As soon as the desire to win emerges, one loses perspective and attempts to force the issue, which can result in defeat.” – Ancient Budo Wisdom (See the book: Budo Secrets)
There are many factors that make one attractive to the opposite sex. One of the most PROMINENT attractors are those who appear not to be overly concerned with the outcome. While this post is written from the male perspective, it applies to both sexes. Practitioners of this MAN LAW want things to go in their favor, however, they realize that they are not dependent on a reaction from this person.
The stars don't have to align for the first kiss. Simply don't ask questions, be confident in your movements. And go for it.
For instance, here is a sample conversation of what one might encounter in his pursuits to find – the one:
Her: “We are NOT having sex tonight.”
Your response: “OK!!! “
Her: “Good.I’m glad we made that clear.”
Her (thinks to self): WTF? Why doesn’t he like me? I better f*** him.
Now, Gentlemen, I realize this seems to be counter-intuitive, but if you get into this situation, just trust me on this one. Don’t start listing how you were on the Honor Roll in High School, played Varsity Football at Texas, and helped feed starving children in Haiti. Just STFU and say: “Ok!”
And here’s the secret. You have to mean it.
Now, if you become too indifferent, too nonchalant, women will throw you into a different category. They call these guys – assholes.
And while you may have heard that being an asshole is attractive to women, it’s really a combination of other characteristics that makes him attractive. He only becomes an asshole AFTER the woman realizes that he’s not behaving as she thinks that he should. (Editorial Note: Now, guys also have another name for a woman that fall into this category, but that’s another story.)
When we exert too much importance on a specific event, we can EASILY become overbearing and have the opposite effect of pushing that person away. We’ve all done it, I know I have. You find yourself contacting that person way too much – you follow up the phone call, with a text, with a Facebook message, with another text, with another phone call. If the person REALLY wanted to get back in touch with you, they would have done so after the first or second attempt. At this point you need to do one thing and one thing only.
The Trials of Today will make you the Man of Tomorrow.
Let Go.
Or as a good friend suggested to me for a Man Law a few months ago – “If at first you don’t succeed, try someone else.”
You INCREASE your value to the person of interest when you show that you are not attached to a response from her. You are not NEEDY of them. If you’ve ever heard a girl describe a guy she went on a date with as pushy or “try hard”, he was doing too many things to impress the girl. Women sense this and a lot of times they’ll say to themselves “Why is he trying so hard? He must not have any options.”
In some regards, you can view being “detached from the outcome” as a way of being mysterious. The other person can not really tell if you are interested in them or not. When you find yourself becoming attached, you’ll spend time and effort thinking of everything right that you can do, only to have the girl think to herself “He’s cool, but he would really be great for someone else. I think we should just be friends” and she’ll turn around right after your date that night and go home with the construction worker who asked her to buy him a PBR.
If the person is right for us, there will be PLENTY of opportunities to go on fancy dates, expensive dinners, concerts, and vacations at exotic resorts. Just because she says she is a Ford Model doesn’t mean you have to take her to the Four Seasons when you first go out with her.
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