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Man Law #88 – Real Fights Have No Soundtrack
The Call. The Text. Accusations.
What do you mean "you're not a mind reader?"
If you’ve ever been in any sort of relationship, you’ve all been on the receiving end.
A few years ago and a day, thats when it all happened. I was walking. The sun was shining. Birds were chirping and then something in my pocket started to vibrate.
“You have mail.”
No, it wasn’t AOL. I said a few years ago, not the nineties. (Editorial Note: It was a Facebook message.)
Who knows where or when it started but I knew where it would end.
Some things come out of left field. Like this post. Just something that all of us go through at some point and from my brief time on this Earth seems likely to continue.
For whatever reason, women, or at least some women (and not the ones reading this, of course) know just the time and place to strike where it will hit hardest. From the second they met you, they were scanning for your Achilles’ Heel and chances are they knew where it was after a few dates but were keeping it in their back pocket for that moment when they needed it. Just when something good has happened – a birthday, promotion, a new car or apartment – the island is in view and you’ve been at sea for months, and then the wind stops blowing.
Where do you think you’re going, Romeo?
Remember that time you forgot to bring her hot and sour soup? You ROYALLY fucked up a long time ago, and she thinks now is the perfect time to discuss it. Why not? You seem just a bit too happy for her not to be the root cause of it…
Yup.
A scandalous picture of you and some chic at the bar showed up on Facebook. You didn’t give the right response and she’s been thinking, stewing, STEAMING over it all this time. Oh, you thought she would forget about all that…
It doesn’t matter what you did, she knows you did something.
In the movies, you can always tell when something dramatic is about to happen – the lights darken, the camera pans out, the music gets more intense, and your heart starts to beat faster, but…
Real Fights Have No Soundtrack.
There is no cue or director.There is no script.
All of a sudden, you find yourself in the heart of one. And she’s not going to wait for you to remember your next line. If you’re like me, you’re only thinking one thing:
“Shit.”
It’s funny, but the right skillfully crafted message can cut deeper than the sharpest object.
I know I’ve been there. One moment, you’re humming along, all your friends seem to like you, boss pats you on the back for a job well done, the dog fixes himself dinner and takes himself out for a walk, and then all hell breaks lose.
One particular time a few years ago is seared into my memory. Tattooed, might be the more appropriate word.
Everything in my life was going up hill. I mean everything.
And then I checked my messages.
Sold at a store near you.
I don’t know what it is in the female brain that seems to find the perfect moment to cut you down to size. It’s not that guys won’t start fights. Quite the contrary. But when someone is about to punch you in the face, you usually know you’re about to get punched in the face.
But the opposite sex, they know how to knock you out before the bell started the round. DING!
There are no words of advice in this post. If you’ve read this far, you probably already know that a verbal argument with the woman you’re dating will probably only result in one outcome – your loss.
I won’t go into details but I found myself on the losing end. She had about a 20 point lead before she asked me to play. The fight had actually started months before when I was looking the other way. A suspicion that she had. And whether the suspicion was warranted or not, did.not. matter. It was my fault.
Some arguments, you’re just going to have fight your instinct if you want to keep the relationship going…Even if you win the argument, even if you convince her that she was wrong, what has that really gotten you? See, if Hollywood and Disney misled women into believing these fairy tale Princess tales, they did just as much damage to men by thinking that when you’re about to fight, the Rocky music starts playing and you’ll have a crowd cheering behind you by the end. But see, when you fight with her, you may have won, but there’ll be no-one standing in your corner…
The Helpless, Both Hands Up in the air gesture, is a powerful move by the female sex. Proceed with caution, Gentlemen...
The truth is, you BOTH have to want to work it out and sometimes, nothing you’re going to say is going to make any difference. In fact, in my experience, the more I said, the worse the situation became… You two may just have to take a break and let time sort it out. She has to remember ALL the good times she had with you and for what its worth, she has to know that you feel all the pain that you’ve caused her. There may be a better way of describing this, but these are the words I have at the moment.
“We must hang together or assuredly we shall all hang separately.” – Benjamin Franklin
So, Gentlemen, this is one of those post that you just have to reflect on – there are no words of wisdom. Try Yoda. Just hold your ground, don’t lose your cool. Throw on the kevlar and keep on chucking. Real fights have no soundtrack, but as cliche as it sounds, anything worth having, is worth fighting for…
This is Ethan Bishop, Over and Out.
As always, your comments welcome.
We Keep Getting Older, They Stay The Same Age: An Exclusive Interview with Cougar Expert, Lucia!
Meet Lucia, Relationship/Dating Expert
With Courtney Cox making headlines in the newspapers with her recent break up with David Arquette in which she is 7 years his senior, the timing could not be better for an interview focusing on older women dating younger men.
Enter the Cougar!
As far back as I can remember, I’ve always been attracted to older women. Most guys can remember watching movies with cheerleaders while they were still in middle school. Most of us thought that as soon as we entered High School, all of these girls would look like they stepped off the set of 90210. While reality hit some of us harder than others, we quickly realized that most of these same girls were looking at other senior guys. Unbeknown at the time, a few of these girls were looking right back at us!
Some naysayers think it’s weird! Some ask “why” an older woman would want or even date a younger man!
I think its “evolution.”
Consider that more women in the United States have their own finances and resources and have less of a need for an older, established man to provide this for them as they did pre-Feminist movement. The question turns from why to why NOT have a young buck “energizer bunny” eager to please?
Since the UML blog has been in existence, I have received a multitude of request from friends and members of the UML Facebook Fan Page to talk about HOW to pick up (for lack of a better term) older women. Where to find them, if they don’t find you, of course, and what to expect.
So when the opportunity arose to interview Cougar Expert, Lucia, I knew that I could not pass it up. Finally, an avenue besides “Cougar Town,” was available to give these young and restless some information regarding this relatively new phenomenon.
Before we jump into the interview, Lucia is a professional dating/relationship expert who founded The Art of Love . She has been seen on Dr. Phil, Tyra Banks, E! Entertainment, That Morning Show, and over 100 hundred national and internationally syndicated TV and radio shows. In addition to recently launching a Web TV Show, be sure to check her live discussions on her Facebook Fan Page , her YouTube channel, and follow her on Twitter @cougarexpert.
Without further adieu:
Ethan: You recently released a new e-book called Lucia’s Lessons of Love. Would you be able to tell us a bit about it? Does it focus on women who date younger men or dating in general?
Lucia: “Lucia’s Lessons of Love: An Expert Answers the Most Asked Dating and Relationship Questions” is a “love manual”. I bottom line each answer in a fun, easy-to-read “Q & A” format. It answers questions everyone has asked themselves at one time or another about dating in general, such as: Why is it that whenever I like someone they don’t like me, and the ones I don’t like are crazy about me? or What does, “I love you but I’m not in love with you” mean?
Lucia on the Dr. Phil show!
Ethan: Where did the term cougar come from in the first place? Is it a fad or is “cougarism” here to stay?
Lucia: The term cougar is thought to have originated in the late 80’s in the dressing room of the Vancouver Canucks dressing room by a player named Taylor Hall. He began to call the older, single women who came to their games “Cougars”. The term eventually got picked up by a small movie producer and used in a film, which seemed to help spread its usage.
Although many people think/wish this was a fad, I can unequivocally tell you Cougars and Cubs are out of the Cougar closet and they are not going back!
Ethan: Why was the term cougar adopted so quickly by older women as a sense of pride?
Lucia: I don’t know that it was. Many women still have a problem with it because they are focusing on the predatory aspect of the animal. The rest of us see it as a fun, playful term. I tell women to look at the positive aspects of a cougar: sleek, strong, sex, confident and in control. When you look at it from that point of view, being a Cougar is actually something to be proud of!
Ethan: Is being a Cougar an age range or is it an age difference? I know women that just turn 30 and think they are cougars where I tend to reserve 40+ as being the minimum age requirement for holding this honor.
Lucia: You’re right, it is a badge of honor and it’s reserved for attractive, in shape, classy, healthy women 40+ who have earned their “stripes”. There also needs to be a minimum of a 10 year age difference between her and the “Cub”.
Ethan: What’s the difference between a MILF and a Cougar?
Lucia: Before the term “Cougar” became popular, attractive, sexy older women were called MILFs (and before that they were called Mrs. Robinson). They were generally mothers of any age that younger guys wanted to have sex with, but the feeling was not necessarily mutual. Cougars are also attractive, sexy older women (who may or may not be mothers) however, they are interested in having sex/dating younger guys.
Ethan: Do Cougars date younger men because they serve better as “boy toys” than their male contemporaries?
Lucia: That’s certainly part of it, since it’s difficult to think of a 40+ male as a boy! However, the main reason Cougars are interested in younger men is because they have less baggage. They are generally fun and easy going and don’t have ex-wives they are paying alimony to or children they see every other weekend. They are also hot, in great shape and have stamina!
"Rawr."
Ethan: What do younger men have to learn from Cougars and dating older women?
Lucia: Besides everything? LOL They will learn how to be men and gentlemen. They will learn what a lady expects from a man. They will learn manners and class. Of course, they will also learn to up their game in the bedroom. Once they’ve been with someone who is uninhibited and “skilful” it will be more difficult to date someone younger.
Ethan: From her perspective, what do cougars look for in relationships with younger men?
Lucia: If a Cougar is simply looking for a sexual relationship, then she will mainly be focused on how attracted she is to him, how good he is in bed and if he’s willing to learn more.
If a Cougar is looking for a long term relationship, she will look for someone who is mature enough to be in one. He doesn’t have to be financially set or stable, but he does need to have a job, car and an apartment!
Ethan: For those women, who might consider themselves Cougars, are there any tips you have to help them find suitable cubs?
Lucia: Cougars can find Cubs anywhere! I find the best places are on internet dating sites, the gym, colleges, conventions, sporting events and home depot!
Man Law #72 – Detach from the Outcome: “If at first you don’t succeed, try someone else…”
“As soon as the desire to win emerges, one loses perspective and attempts to force the issue, which can result in defeat.” – Ancient Budo Wisdom (See the book: Budo Secrets)
There are many factors that make one attractive to the opposite sex. One of the most PROMINENT attractors are those who appear not to be overly concerned with the outcome. While this post is written from the male perspective, it applies to both sexes. Practitioners of this MAN LAW want things to go in their favor, however, they realize that they are not dependent on a reaction from this person.
The stars don't have to align for the first kiss. Simply don't ask questions, be confident in your movements. And go for it.
For instance, here is a sample conversation of what one might encounter in his pursuits to find – the one:
Her: “We are NOT having sex tonight.”
Your response: “OK!!! “
Her: “Good.I’m glad we made that clear.”
Her (thinks to self): WTF? Why doesn’t he like me? I better f*** him.
Now, Gentlemen, I realize this seems to be counter-intuitive, but if you get into this situation, just trust me on this one. Don’t start listing how you were on the Honor Roll in High School, played Varsity Football at Texas, and helped feed starving children in Haiti. Just STFU and say: “Ok!”
And here’s the secret. You have to mean it.
Now, if you become too indifferent, too nonchalant, women will throw you into a different category. They call these guys – assholes.
And while you may have heard that being an asshole is attractive to women, it’s really a combination of other characteristics that makes him attractive. He only becomes an asshole AFTER the woman realizes that he’s not behaving as she thinks that he should. (Editorial Note: Now, guys also have another name for a woman that fall into this category, but that’s another story.)
When we exert too much importance on a specific event, we can EASILY become overbearing and have the opposite effect of pushing that person away. We’ve all done it, I know I have. You find yourself contacting that person way too much – you follow up the phone call, with a text, with a Facebook message, with another text, with another phone call. If the person REALLY wanted to get back in touch with you, they would have done so after the first or second attempt. At this point you need to do one thing and one thing only.
The Trials of Today will make you the Man of Tomorrow.
Let Go.
Or as a good friend suggested to me for a Man Law a few months ago – “If at first you don’t succeed, try someone else.”
You INCREASE your value to the person of interest when you show that you are not attached to a response from her. You are not NEEDY of them. If you’ve ever heard a girl describe a guy she went on a date with as pushy or “try hard”, he was doing too many things to impress the girl. Women sense this and a lot of times they’ll say to themselves “Why is he trying so hard? He must not have any options.”
In some regards, you can view being “detached from the outcome” as a way of being mysterious. The other person can not really tell if you are interested in them or not. When you find yourself becoming attached, you’ll spend time and effort thinking of everything right that you can do, only to have the girl think to herself “He’s cool, but he would really be great for someone else. I think we should just be friends” and she’ll turn around right after your date that night and go home with the construction worker who asked her to buy him a PBR.
If the person is right for us, there will be PLENTY of opportunities to go on fancy dates, expensive dinners, concerts, and vacations at exotic resorts. Just because she says she is a Ford Model doesn’t mean you have to take her to the Four Seasons when you first go out with her.
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