“Ladies: You Can Approach Me When I’m Single Too!”
by Michael “Leonidas” Childress
Let us not mince words fearless readers! Methinks Cletus the Slack-Jawed Yokel could figure out my intentions from the title of this [my third UML guest post – serving both to entertain and infuriate with equal fervor] supposition on another female-spawned enigma related to the quagmire that is the world of dating and relationships!
This particular bit of Cro-Mag deliciousness was brought to you by a phenomenon observable in the real world, pretty much on a daily basis. The lion’s share of my guy friends seem to have experienced this mystical [mythical if you listen to some women] interaction at some point in their lives when they have been in a monogamous relationship. The situation [hypothetical here, but empirical in the real world] is: A guy is with his girlfriend, wife, mistress, etc. in a public place. Said female escort [no pun intended!] leaves to use the powder room. Enter the interloper! A female most likely unfamiliar with either the man or the now-absent female approaches the male like a lioness stalking a wounded gazelle on the Serengeti… Ok. The next bit can differ dependent upon the lioness in question, the particular location of the attack and the level of intoxication of the male target and/or that of the huntress. Let’s say that our hypothetical threesome [again, no pun intended] are all in the bar section of a nice restaurant in Washington, D.C. and the libations are flowing on all fronts.
Now that the location of this fictional interlude is settled…depending on certain variables, other than location and alcohol consumption, at this point lots of different things can happen. The aforementioned variables in question pertain to the characteristics of both the female launching the full-court press and the guy on the receiving end of the wanton attention. Of course we must remember that there is a time factor here unless the female headed to powder her nose was actually using the bathroom trip as an excuse to ditch the dude in question or ended up meeting her version of Fabio en route to the Loo… I digress! This is one instance in the real world where the male has total hand [power] to decide the outcome of the interaction with the lady. Will our fearless hero of the story take the moral high ground and send the strumpet packing or will he live up to the douchebag stereotype and get the digits for a future rendezvous or, even worse, will he leave his date post haste and exit stage left with the relationship-threatening harlot?! I’m hoping he sends her packing if it’s his wife or girlfriend!
Oh, wait! I forgot. I am not here to discuss what happens after the antagonist of the story approaches our victim! I am much more interested in what spawns the action of approaching the male that is with another female in the first place. Well that and to theorize on why this topic doesn’t get more attention. Awwwwww sad face on readers’ faces. The thing that people don’t want to hear is that there is obviously some psychopathology there! Is this pursuit merely about obtaining the unobtainable [or supposedly unobtainable…]? Or does it have to do with the fact that another woman obviously found something in the guy in question and because she seemingly digs him he must be a good catch? Is this some innate behavior manifesting itself like you seen in the lower echelons of the animal kingdom? Is this something about the inherent desire to create strong offspring? Inquiring minds want to know. How many women successfully lure the guy away from the girl in the bathroom only to lose interest in him after securing him?! I minored in psychology as an undergrad, but the only result of said studies seems to be the more frequent usage of the word “psychobabble”. I even took a class entitled “The Psychology of Women” at one point. Luckily the professor was hot because I left feeling more confused than before enrolling in the class. Now my friends…this is not about psychological theory, “…this is…[UML]!” Well given that this is a blog post and not an ask-and-answer session with members of “the fairer sex” I am now going to exert my literary will as dictator of this discourse and simply drop golden nuggets of pure Cro-Mag wisdom on you. Boom! You might need a cigarette and a sandwich afterwards. Feel free to comment with your own pearls of wisdom or retorts in the comment section below. Unlike my previous two blogs for UML this one won’t be complete until you guys weigh in. Consider this a democracy for a brief period of time! The operative word being “brief”…
Now to be clear, I am in no way, shape or form here to provide a defense for guys that cheat; however there seems to be some serious carrot dangling [apologies for the phallic allusion] going on out there ladies! Obviously related to the “taken phenomenon” is the fact that many married men seem to think their wedding ring is also a magnet for female attentions. Ohhhhh come now ladies a guy in a committed relationship is one thing, but a married man?! In all seriousness I have always been a huge proponent of the statement that “it takes two to tango”. I’ve witnessed a lot of dudes give no consideration to the relationship status of a woman they approach in a club or bar or whatnot. I think there’s a general lack of discipline and self-control amongst men and women when interacting with the opposite sex. A lot of people turn into straight idiots during such interactions in fact. Men and women in monogamous relationships are not heroin! I do suppose there could be some sort of stimulation related to cheating that could contribute to its appeal to so many… This is about where I hit the proverbial wall regarding analysis of the female perspective on this and pretty much any issue… I can speculate until the proverbial cows come home, but I am a dude. Profound…I know.
As a guy with high levels of testosterone I know that the male sex drive can be a harsh master [mistress?]. A stiff breeze can be the impetus of “excitement” on a bad day! Even with all of this testosterone surging in me I still seem to have control of myself enough to not dry hump the leg of every attractive female in my purview. I also don’t hit on [known] married or otherwise spoken for females. So I can’t even identify with the guys that do that kind of stuff! Females, as we know, are chemically and biologically and anatomically different from men. Duh. I can’t even fathom what it’s like to be a female although I probably would have had more drinks bought for me in the past. Ahhhhhh enter alcohol! That sexy beast. That perpetual gamechanger! I do know that alcohol can be a catalyst for the sex drive [if not for sex performance!]. With the consumption of libations inhibitions magically melt away and all of a sudden making out with a stranger and table dancing topless doesn’t seem so wrong…until the next morning… Ever been to Vegas? Some purport that booze helps reveal your true nature, but I think that is absolute bollocks. Alcohol affects one’s physiology. It does some crazy stuff to the nervous system and brain! Of course alcohol can definitely play a significant role in this inappropriate desire to get some taboo lovin’, but it is not required to approach a person already in a relationship. What it comes down to is weakness. We all have them. We’re all human. Whether there are some other Freudian or Jungian or Sponge Bob-ian explanations for such behavior is a something for someone with a DSM-V on their bookshelf and a nice leather couch in their office to contemplate.
Soooooo initially when I was discussing this recently with [R E D A C T E D] we were kind of like, “Yeaahhhhhh suck it ladies! You gals love dishing it out to us from your ivory towers while you engage in the same behaviors! Booyaahh!” It ended up being “Well we [cowboys and cowgirls] seem to be more alike than we care to admit. Balls.” Ultimately we can all approach people that are single [assuming we’re single ourselves naturally!] and not worry that they are damaged goods or serial killers or some other nefarious character. Being single should not be some badge of disgrace like some sort of nouveau scarlet letter. As most of us can testify people [of both sexes] date and marry horrible people all the time. That’s a whole other blog topic of course.
So here’s a novel idea: How’s about we all leave the married and taken people be and try to act like the smart monkeys we’re purported to be?! It’s ok to talk to people of the opposite sex in monogamous relationships obviously. If your intentions are not to do the horizontal mambo with the person you’re chatting up have at it! If you’re doing bodyshots off of each other within the first few minutes of you need to bail. Go take a cold shower and call your significant other. Or you can join a dating site if you have no “other” to speak of. All that said…remember ladies: if we’re both single then it’s “game on!” Crack the Jagermeister bottle and let the inhibitions fall!