Dear Nice Guys of The World,
Hey there, what’s up? I know we haven’t spoken in awhile but I feel bad about the way things ended. Once we parted I thought I’d never speak to you again. Still, I couldn’t leave you with so many questions, wondering why things didn’t work out when they seemed to be going so well.
Things were going well, actually. I didn’t mind that you’d call me the second I said I would be home or back from a trip. Thanks to caller id, I never had to answer. Even the senseless texts and your attempts at humor didn’t bother me.
The truth is I just wanted you to take some initiative and escape all the fears that had held you back with other women and make one exception for me. I wanted to hear from your own mouth what you thought of me and what you wanted from me.
Don’t hate me for saying this but I was testing you. Obviously you didn’t pass. I know it brings up questions about what women really want but you have to understand even when you’re on a date with one women you’re still competing against every other man that wants to date her too.
I wasn’t trying to see how much you would let me get away with or how much of your dignity you’d let me take, I only wanted to know if you had a backbone and where exactly was it.
I would’ve been fine without the five star dining had you offered more interesting and riveting conversation. I would have been content with inexpensive dates had you only thought more creatively. All I wanted was for you to be your own person and have your own thoughts. Oh and for you to stop thinking that if you were a cast member of Entourage, you’d be Vincent Chase.
From the moment we met I could tell that you liked me a lot and while on most occasions it’s flattering, I got the impression that you liked me but you didn’t know me. It seemed like everything I ever said about anything just went right over your head. For as long as we dated, I doubt you ever even knew my favorite color or my middle name.
Whether or not I was funny you laughed at my jokes, whether or not I was hungry you wanted to take me to dinner. No matter what I said, I always felt that you just weren’t listening to who I was. I would always just be a beautiful woman.
You never realized that to me you were not a beautiful man. You were supposed to be the reason why looks don’t matter. You were supposed to be the kind of guy who listened and was attentive, able to stimulate my mind with intense conversations and deep debate. Instead you agreed with everything I said.
All you could think about was having sex. You had the look of a thirteen year old seeing porn for the first time and you didn’t even realize how many times I’d seen that look before. The minute inexperience was painted all over your face I knew we could never be.
I guess I kept thinking under the shyness and insecurities there would be an exciting, charismatic and interesting guy. You repeatedly found ways to prove me wrong. You abandoned all sincerity and let hormones take you over.
I needed you to see yourself, the way I saw you as a man who was given a chance. For all the times you swore you finished last, or were ignored. I gave you an opportunity to prove everyone wrong. You could’ve showed me that there was something to nice guys that women were missing out on. You didn’t.
You require more patience, more affection, more coaxing and coddling than any other man I’ve ever dated. Our past has been so full of boring chitchat, bitchassness and awkward kissing that I just don’t see how we could ever have a future.
I hope you will learn from this letter and find a way to make yourself either far more interesting or more self-aware. If you see me in the streets, please don’t speak.
“Men don’t grow up, their toys get more expensive.” – Anonymous
Man Law #85 has been brewing for a few years since before the inception of Man Law. The idea originated back in 2003 and even prior to that, I noticed the behavior amongst women, no matter what their age. Whether they were 9 or 90, I noticed strikingly similar characteristics.
Now brace yourself. Ladies, if you are easily offended, be sure to skip the next paragraph, or just click here.
For those of you still with us, the working title of this post was “No matter how old she is, there’s a 7 year old spoiled-little-princess-celebrating-HER-birthday trying to get out…” You have to ask yourself, what made me come to this conclusion? The “fact” that you hear out of the mouths of women is that “girls mature faster than boys.” For the most part, that is true. But lets clarify what we mean by maturity!
What women are really saying is that, girls become SOCIALLY mature faster than boys – they are more aware of social situations, feelings people exhibit when under duress (important), and patterns that make them (women) appear more situated in social settings. Perhaps it’s because they feel that more people are watching them and are proactively making sure they are good from an early age.
Guys just don’t care.
My parents love to tell their friends, co-workers, and anyone who will listen, how I was kicked out of Montessori school at an early age. Who knew that girl’s arms weren’t meant to be bitten? I mean its not common sense is it? Those fingers look like juicy little sausages.
Moving on. Right through Elementary school, I saw the Principal so often I was pretty much on a first name basis with her. I still don’t know ANY girls sent to the Principal’s office during Elementary School but if you were one of them, please e-mail me at EthanBishop@unbreakablemanlaws.com .
Originally, this post was to focus more on how women can be in their late 80s and still act the whiny brat of their youths and if you don’t believe me, hang out at a nursing home for a few hours. Is this a bad thing?
But here’s the idea, a woman who acts this way around you, is giving you a good sign. She is looking for YOU to be the man – ruthlessly decisive, stern, powerful, unmoving, strong with a subtle, perhaps even gentle, touch. This is a very good position to be in because if she is letting down her guard and allowing you to see her vulnerability she is giving you the chance to step forward, and be the guy that society has been saying she’s been looking for since she was still in diapers. This isn’t the woman that is seen giving keynote speeches in front of hundreds of people or at the head of the table in the boardroom. This is the woman she allows YOU to see. Since most men need visible audible or physical cues in order to proceed, here is what you listen for - a higher pitched voice (for the musicians out there, think an octave (or five octaves) higher if she is REALLY putting on the helpless girl front).
Gentlemen, if this situation happens to you, first thing you want to do is close your mouth, breath all the air out of your system through your nose, and remain calm. I state this mainly as a reminder to myself because my default behavior is to – in some way, shape, or form, become defensive. And this isn’t attractive to anyone…
At some point in your life, its very likely you are going to have to tell your woman to “Sit Down and Shut.The.Fuck. Up.”
Some women are reading this with shocked open mouths, and others just know that the truth is being spoken right here. They press these boundaries to see how far they can take you before you start acting like a man, but gentlemen, remember who you are in these times… and remember these words. She needs to know that you mean business… Don’t confuse this with a meatheaded Jersey Boy gym rat, all steroid-ed up, but rather a calm yet stern focus – Maximus is always a good example. He only raises his voice when he needs to, but when he does, he means business.
There are a lot of women out there who don’t want you to hear this message. Not in today’s society. The goal right now for women is to outwardly appear as autonomous, completely independent beings – “We don’t need men” and anything less is considered weak. This is a façade and gentlemen, don’t believe it for a second.
The truth is, or The Unbreakable Truth is that while they may not need men, they want men. As long as you silently say this to yourself (and this doesn’t always mean they want *you*), a lot of relationship situations will make more sense.
In my personal experience, the best relationships have been the ones that supported my endeavors no matter how big or small. It doesn’t matter if I’m climbing Mt. Everest or cooking a hotdog, she’s there by my side and tacitly understands that the more I’m able to focus on achieving these things, the better it is for us….
To quote Chris Rock, who may be the most crass man on the planet but has yet to say anything that I have not found to be true from experience.
“You say that shit like a man, make a little eye contact…
put a little bass in your voice, she will do. that. shit.
She wants to do that shit.
She’s dying to do that shit.
” – Chris Rock.
Truer words have yet to be spoken.
This is Ethan Bishop. Over and out.
Leave your comments or call: 646.504.5439 and leave a message. Thats right, call that number: 646.504.5439. And your message will be listened to…
“Ladies – Feed Me, F**k Me and Shut the F**k Up!”
by Michael “Leonidas” Childress
Admittedly, the title of this work, my sophomoric UML contribution, was hijacked from comedian Chris Rock and chosen specifically as a tool to lure you [fearless readers!] into the entangling web that is my Narcissism-spawned written discourse – Beware the honeypot my friends! I have found that the best way to craft an attractive compendium related to the “battle of the sexes”, or any topic for that matter, is to sucker punch the prospective readers with an emotive [see “anger” for this particular one…] title. Now that my audacious attempt at a disclaimer for the material following this not-so-covert attempt to swoon you, the reader, has been swiftly dispatched let’s get on to the Cro-Mag goodness!
Sooo, I suppose at this juncture we should examine Mr. Rock’s declarative statement that is the impetus of this “treatise”? On the surface it would be appear to be the perpetual rally cry of any consummate knuckle-dragger – “Me big, strong hunter-gatherer. Me club woman on head [not too hard to damage goods] and drag back to cave for boom boom time. Then me have her cook me animal carcass on fire and after that me kick her to cave curb!” Ha! Ah, the good ole’ days. I like to think we have progressed beyond that juncture in human social interaction and then I go out on a weekend night and am not so sure… Are we [human males] so myopic regarding relationship ideology?
Feed Me: It’s probably more than a bit antiquated to think that females should do the majority of the cooking in romantic relationships. It’s inarguably stupid to believe that they are doing all of the cooking now. I have been privy to empirical evidence that there are, indeed, many females out there in the land of perpetual dating that have little-to-no cooking skills. Apparently the saying about certain people barely being able to boil water has some truth in it. All of this writing about food and dating reminds me of the old adage that proclaims “the way to a man’s heart is his stomach”. If that’s the case then there will be a whole lot of single women out there, now and in the near future! However, as a knuckle-dragger myself I can say that the whole “guys think about sex every seven seconds” thing is utter nonsense. The truth is there are cognitions springing from the male mind related to food every 7 seconds and ones about sex every second! I kid [sort of]. I mean who am I to speak for all males?!
On another level there are those that like to combine food and sex, a fetish [much like the rest], that I never understood. I understand the hunger and desire for food post-coitus, but during the horizontal mambo you better keep whatever you happen to be snacking on well away from me! What it comes down to, obviously, is that we are all inherently different. We all have different wants and desires and ideas of an “ideal match”, etc., etc. If you want to rub chocolate all over your prospective mate’s body [and summarily lick it off said person] make sure you mention that in your Match.com profile!
Ultimately Chris [Rock], I will have to disagree with you on this part of your life ideology pertaining to romantic relationships. Personally I would rather cook my own food and not service myself! Too much? This is not just the Age of Information & Technology, it is the wondrous Age of Equality & Gender Role Smashing! The women are out of the kitchen and I cook better than most of the ones I know. Feed yourself my [guy] friends!
F**k Me: Sex is awesome. There is no debating that. I shudder to think what that particular act was like during the aforementioned Cro-Magnon days, but there’s only one way into this life for us homo sapiens, i.e. someone sprung you out from their vagina. So sorry to be so base, but such is life. Let’s not sugarcoat things! Now that we established that sex is important to humans [I know…alert the media!] let’s explore the obvious a bit more.
Guys like sex. Testosterone drives the male sex drive like water does a hydroelectric power plant. We [males] spend nine months of our lives trying to escape the womb and the rest trying to get back in! What? Am I wrong about that? That’s ok. People seem to forget that humans are animals too. What [behaviors] we witness in the lower echelons of the animal kingdom can and do exist in human life as well. Do we not all [the lion’s share of Earth’s inhabitants] sleep, eat, defecate and procreate? Granted we are one of the few species on this fetid rock that has sex for pleasure only…
The verdict? Yes, Mr. Rock I agree with you [wholeheartedly] on this one. If only we could somehow harness the awesome power of the human male sex drive [all hail the mighty penis!] , the search for alternative sources of fuel would cease immediately! Despite the general degradation of our [males, again] desire for sex as we age [inextricably linked to the loss of testosterone during the aging process] there are still those gentlemen in their 80s and 90s looking to get lucky in senior facilities! Sex: Our gift, our curse.
Shut the F**k Up! Someone rolls off of someone after the act of the beast with two backs and, depending on the sex of the participant and the individual preference, the post-sex go-to could be ESPN, spooning, a sandwich, cigarettes, chocolate, sleep, a shower, a visit to the psychotherapist, etc. However I expect Chris Rock was not referring to talk after sex, but oral discourse from that significant other or random sex partner in general. Well may be not now that I think about it. Most likely he is referring to nagging. “Nagging” also known as “not-so-friendly reminders of s**t you should have done without anyone needing to tell you”! From what I remember as a youth my mother and father were both world class naggers!
The generalization that women do most of the talking in a relationship is about as accurate as that of all men having inadequate map reading/navigation skills. Say it ain’t so Joe! People make and perpetuate generalizations?! Noooooooooooooooo! All my early childhood perceptions of mankind as the perfect species have been ruined! The horror!
I am far [like light years…] from the ranks of the legions of metro-sexual males who gallivant around the D.C. area in makeup, Capri pants, and other [normally] estrogen-driven fashion/aesthetic choices, but even I, a proud knuckle-dragger, realize that sex is but a slice of the relationship pie. If I can’t have an intelligent conversation with you outside of the negotiations leading up to sexual relations and don’t want to talk to you in general barring a few “oh yeahs!” or “ouch , that hurts!” during sex you might as well be a prostitute and myself a john! There is no arguing; the sex is great. However, there has to be more. Humans are living to be hundred+ years now. Imagine a marriage of seventy years [observable in reality now]. That’s a lot of silence! Eventually the food will be served by someone outside of the relationship and the sex will be most likely non-existent!
Ah, Chris. I can’t go with you on this one either buddy. I’m guessing since you recently got divorced from your wife on ten or so years you didn’t like what she was saying to you! What’s good for the goose is not necessarily good for the rest of ‘em. I look forward to conversations with my significant other. It’s great to have the Cro-Mag discussions with the boys during any number of testosterone-driven activities, but it is equally nice to engage in some phenomenal repartee with the lady.
To reiterate [from my first UML blog contribution], we [men and women] are about as different as night and day! We can’t expect to necessarily want the same things, be interested in all of the same hobbies and other work and life distractions and always see eye-to-eye. Women are from Mars and men have a penis. Let us once again rejoice in our inherent differences and try not to drive each other too bats**t crazy!
Good night and good luck.