The Unbreakable Man Laws

“Estrogen Corrupts!” Five important Reasons Why Women Don’t Understand Men [And Never Will!] By Michael “Leonidas” Childress

"Estrogen, Estrogen!"

Now Ladies, please hear me out before you attempt to string Ethan and me up or make us eunuchs! I am far from some misogynistic knuckle-dragger swinging from the rafters shouting “estrogen corrupts!” with a snarling rictus on my face. Those guys are lonely virgins with anger issues. Magic the Gathering or Dungeons & Dragons anyone? I am a champion of women! As the notorious playboy Mao Zedong proffered, “Women hold up half the sky.” It is mere facetiousness that originally spawned my joking chants of “Estrogen! Estrogen!” (think “Hercules! Hercules!” from Eddie Murphy’s The Nutty Professor remake) in response to inarguably feminine/estrogen-driven statements made by my female friends and family members throughout the years. We know that in reality both men and women, and in fact all creatures on this planet with spines/backbones, utilize the group of organic compounds known as “estrogens” in physiological chemical reactions. I actually tried to have all of the estrogens, and my tear ducts, removed from my body as a youth…to no avail. I still cry (tears of joy) every time I see mammaries! I can’t enter a Gentlemen’s club without a box of Kleenex. “Estradiol”, the primary female sex hormone, is actually the King Kong (Betty Kong?) of the estrogens, and the opposite of the prime male sex hormone testosterone, but it doesn’t seem to roll off of the tongue the way “estrogen” does! All that said, despite the fact that both sexes’ bodies rely on both estrogen and testosterone to develop and function, it is pretty obvious that human males and females are significantly different physically and biochemically. Those differences are perhaps the only things related to sex males and females can agree on without argument?! Enough with the sex education! This, my humble contribution to The Unbreakable Man Laws…*sigh*…indeed my piece de resistance, is not meant to be a witty biology, physiology or anatomy lesson; it is an attempt to apply my own brand of pseudo-science to the age-old Battle of the Sexes! Hell yeah! Without further ado I give you my top five reasons why men may not be from Mars and women may not be from Venus, but they might as well be!

1) Testosterone is a hell of a drug: Is it any surprise that this particular erection-inspiring hormone is used, illegally most times I might add, for muscular hypertrophy by males and females? Ladies, take that fact and figure that we males typically have about ten times more testosterone produced in our bodies than you members of the “fairer sex”! It is already a given that biochemistry is inexorably linked to human cognitive processes. That means, as if you didn’t already know, we don’t think alike! Please keep that in mind next time you feel like your significant other just Quasimodo-ed out of a cave with a club and in dire need of a shower and a shave! Sex and the City or The Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood are just not going to appeal to me no matter your protestations!

"Oh, My! Thats one large...."

2) The Power of the Penis: “Hey, it’s the gorging organ!” No really, it’s a love missile powered by a testosterone reactor. So much blood courses down there for some of us all it takes is a stiff breeze to “launch” it! I apologize; methinks I doth digress too much… The penis so affects and influences the male psyche we see glorious testaments to it and its greatness erected (no pun intended) around the world. If you’re ever on the National Mall near the Washington Monument take a look around and see if most of the men aren’t looking at the structure and nodding solemnly in approval! Actually some of the women are probably doing the same thing… The bottom line is until you’ve walked a mile in our shoe…er, boxers don’t underestimate the power of the penis, AKA the “little brain”, to significantly affect our behavior and decision-making! The undeniable power of the penis does not make the vagina any less special my estrogen-laden lovelies. However to understand it fully is to be born with it…

3) Suh-Suh-Socialization: Cletus the slack-jawed yokel could tell you that established gender roles in any society make growing up different for boys and girls. That would be sociology and psychology 101 ladies and gentlemen. Do we tend to (conveniently) forget that sexual rifts/divides start at early ages?! All of a sudden around puberty we are thrust (again no pun intended) together and expected to interact on a different level than what we have been used to in previous years! “Wait, so you’re saying kicking girls is no longer a good way to express interest in them?!” Additively, girls generally hit puberty before boys so we supposedly mature at later ages. “Damn you puberty…damn you to hell!” The awkwardness of this new phase of interpersonal relationships with the opposite sex can extend well into adulthood for some (unfortunate) people. Everyone knows at least one socially-awkward person that would be your last choice as a wingman/woman! “So, do you ladies play Warcraft at all?” So in a society like America’s we are conditioned at early ages to be different by the Dictatorship of the Parents and school and the various other agents of socialization. Those of us with penises would like to believe that we gain some clarity regarding the female psyche as we get older, but not even my undergraduate psychology course “The Psychology of Women” was able to provide more insight into feminine behavioral patterns!

"A little sword-play never hurt anyone..."

4) He’s Just Not That Into You…r Hobbies: Yet again socialization rears its ugly head… We develop the lion’s share of our hobbies and interests as youths. I didn’t know a lot of girls growing up, outside of a few tomboys, that were into the testosterone-inspired things and activities I cherished and adored. Ever heard of G.I. Joe and Arnold Schwarzenegger? Of course we have all heard of the legends of those men that supposedly enjoy the ballet, knitting, moonlight walks on the beach, Pilates, talking about their problems, etc., but I sure don’t know any personally! Don’t ask don’t tell gentlemen. Man law. There’s nothing wrong with having different interests than your mate. It’s perfectly natural and healthy. It’s like the separation of church and state…it just works! Relish in your differences my friends! No need to feign an interest in sporting events or Oprah. Part of the fun of romantic relationships is getting your significant other to do something you enjoy with you and them finding out they like it, or at least don’t loathe it. Hobbies and activities that tend to draw one sex or the other are probably going to continue to ensure those group bonding events are generally sex-specific. The consumption of alcoholic beverages seems to be bridge-gap between the sexes however! “Body-shots anyone?” Alcohol: Bringing men and women together one ill-advised jaunt at a time.

5) The Estrogen Factor: Ah, so it appears we have come full circle my flock! Is “The Estrogen Factor” the cringe-worthy title of a new, inane “reality TV” show?! Nope! Women often seem to get a bad rap for being “more emotional” (is that really a bad thing or have we been conditioned to believe it so?) than men. A generalization for sure from what I’ve seen, but fluctuating levels of estrogens in the female body during pregnancies or menstruation do have the potential to make you guys moodier than a manic depressive on a bender! Does the “estrogen factor” ensure that women are more prone to be drawn towards things society has deemed “girly” and send Spartans (“This…is…testosterone!”) like me running for the hills? To an extent, yes. However I, for one, do not want a mate that’s simply a male, especially like myself, in a female’s body. So when I start chanting “Estrogen! Estrogen!” like it’s a rallying call to fellow Cro-Magnons know that I am (half) kidding and part of me is actually going, “Viva estrogen!”, but my (monolithic) male bravado would never allow me to actually utter it!

I know by this point you all are as weepy-eyed as I am (feeling talk make Bizarro Superman leak from eye) so let’s wrap this puppy up! Just as there exists the “dichotomy of man” so too is there the dichotomy of the species. On one side is the testosterone-driven, penis-wielding male and on the other is the estrogen-fueled, vagina-powered female. Is it any surprise we can drive each other to drink (significantly) on a regular basis?! Of course, as we all know, when the interaction is good, it is really good. Hopefully even all the lonely virgins out there will learn that eventually. The yin and yang are nothing without each other. Estrogen doesn’t “corrupt”, but it sure as hell isn’t testosterone! Men and women might not ever truly “get” each other, but I think we do understand each other more than we freely admit. Estrogen is alive and well (and perpetually combating testosterone!)…long live estrogen!