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Man Law #77 – Never Cross The Streams!

May 31, 2010 7 comments

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Dr. Egon Spengler: There’s something very important I forgot to tell you.
Dr. Peter Venkman: What?
Dr. Egon Spengler: Don’t cross the streams.
Dr. Peter Venkman: Why?
Dr. Egon Spengler: It would be bad.
Dr. Peter Venkman: I’m fuzzy on the whole good/bad thing. What do you mean, “bad”?
Dr. Egon Spengler: Try to imagine all life as you know it stopping instantaneously and every molecule in your body exploding at the speed of light.
Dr Ray Stantz: Total protonic reversal.
Dr. Peter Venkman: Right. That’s bad. Okay. All right. Important safety tip. Thanks, Egon.” – Ghostbusters, 1984

If there is one thing we can learn from history, its that men will fight over just about anything – especially women.   It’s not hard to understand why this happens.

Fighting over something small starts early...

In fact, I’d place a significant wager, that at any given bar across America, an argument (or fight depending on the neighborhood you’re in) is about to start because one guy talked to the wrong girl at the wrong time.

All could have been “avoided” if these men agreed to the simple principle of “Never Crossing the Streams.”

What do I mean by “Crossing the Streams”, you ask?

I’ll tell you.

You find yourself at a club, bar, house party, and you are having a good time relaxing with your friends. There are women around BUT nothing jumps out at you.

Then she walks in – 5’9 slender, athletic, confi-de Le Blanc (Pronounced: “Con-fay-day-le blahnk“), hips swinging like a pendulum. Immediately, all your buddies stand at attention, puff out their chest, and the conversation goes quiet. No communication is needed because you ALL turn to look at each other and think the same thing. Now to the women reading this, I’m going to tell you a little secret. Contrary to popular belief, the first thought that goes through a guy’s head when he is standing with his buddies and sees an extremely attractive woman, is not the following:

“What an amazingly beautiful woman whose mere presence has just lightened my life and made it that much better. How can I marry this woman who stands before me and cherish her for eternity?”

Instead, its more along the lines of the following:

I’d f**k her.” and looks to his friends as they all nod their heads in tacit simultaneous agreement.

I’m sure this is an evolutionary thing passed down from our cave man ancestors but our basic impulses are pretty simple.  Tarzan want Jane.  Real Basic. Real Primal.

You want the women fighting over YOU...Not the other way around.

Tarzan, however, didn’t have a ton of competition.  We do. Now here is where its inevitable that you do what 95% of guys do NOT do in this situation –  someone needs to call it. If these are your boys or even a group of strangers you just met, you don’t want to let them get between you and your buddies.    When you don’t tell your boys to stand down, you run into problems down the road when you find out that all three of you friend requested her on Facebook and each of you is asking her out independently.  This is “Crossing the Streams” and you’ll blow yourselves out.  From her perspective, she can’t date ALL of you at once.  She could do that of course but then you would think less of her. Your boys can be your greatest wingmen as they should always be, but they can also be your greatest cockblock.  Like calling SHOTGUN in a car, dibs, or even fives, someone has to call it – whose going to approach her, talk to her and with any luck – seduce her.  If your buddy goes for it, crashes and burns, then its fair game. He gave it his best.

This is where you all will have to man up and likely enter a “Gentlemen’s Agreement.” Winston Churchill states that you should never give up except in the case of honor and integrity. This is one of those times. Its inevitable that while she may be the hottest thing in the room at the moment, there will be someone else at the next party you go to AND you will be first in line.  If one of your friends is really gunning for her, then be the bigger man and let him have it.  Becoming Unbreakable means letting that which does not matter slide. Be his wingman by telling her how awesome your buddy is and  wish them the best of luck!

There are plenty of fish in the sea, don’t steal from your friends boat!

Handshaking like a Bonobo: An Exclusive Interview with Vanessa Woods

May 23, 2010 2 comments

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One of the primary beliefs behind The Unbreakable Man Laws is that while we are social creatures conditioned by our environment, we are fundamentally the result of generations of biological evolution.

Be sure to check out Vanessa's Latest Book "Bonobo Handshake"

Our social ideas may change from decade to decade (i.e. who has the right to vote, civil rights, etc.), yet our basic human nature remains the same.  We are exactly what Pete Waters described in his fantastic essay, simply Cro-Magnons with iPods.

It was this belief system  that led me to the idea of asking WHERE we get some of our most basic habits – why do we hug, kiss, fight and so on. Are these learned or are they passed down through our genetics? Who teaches a dog to urinate on fire hydrants or cats to claw at the end of the sofa? I finally asked myself, where do handshakes come from! Is this the result of Western European influence or is this written in our DNA? Do animals such as chimpanzee’s handshake?

A late night google search led me to the research of a rather interesting woman by the name of Vanessa Woods. Vanessa had been on a journey through the depths of Africa studying a type of primate known as the Bonobo. While having the same number of DNA in common with humans as the chimpanzee at 98.7%, the Bonobo Society exhibits a few unique differences to say the least. They practiced what Vanessa termed the Bonobo Handshake. I could go on further about what the Bonobo Handshake consist of, but seeing the handshake in action is a much better introduction than one I could ever give. Click below!

Needless to say I was hooked! But it wasn’t the Bonobo Handshake alone that drew my interest. It was the fact that the bonobos lived in an entirely peaceful society dominated by females!

Clearly we had something to learn from this species and Vanessa felt the same way. Be sure to check out her fascinating first hand account in her latest book, “Bonobo Handshake“, available at Amazon.com, her YouTube Channel, and for additional information on her research check out her blog located at http://www.bonobohandshake.com!

Without further ado, I present to you Vanessa Woods!

Ethan Bishop: What made the Bonobo’s so interesting to you?

Vanessa Woods: Bonobos are so closely related to us (98.7% of our DNA) that from a distance they look like ancient, hairy ancestors. But unlike humans, there is no war. Females are not beaten. Infants are not killed. All this is because of one simple reason – females stick together.
Ethan Bishop: How do the females maintain dominance? Are the females physically stronger than the males?

Vanessa Woods: Once I saw Tatango, an unusually aggressive bonobo male, run up to Mimi, the alpha female, and backhand her across the face. He hit her so hard he almost gave her whiplash. Within seconds, five females in the group ran to Mimi’s rescue. They chased Tatango around the night building until he fled into the forest. When he continued his aggressive outbursts, those five females beat him so badly, they nearly ripped off his testicles. After that, Tatango never caused another problem.

One male is stronger than any one female. But no male is stronger than many females.

Ethan Bishop: Does monogamy exist in the Bonobo society? How do you think this effects the female/male relationship?

Vanessa Woods: There is no monogamy with bonobos! I think it makes them get along quite well.

Vanessa Woods with Bonobos of the Congo...

Ethan Bishop: What do you feel that humans can learn from the Bonobo? Do the Bonobo’s truly exhibit an egalitarian society?

Vanessa Woods: Bonobos are famous for their sexual exploits. Sex is used to regulate tension in the group and the females form close friendships through g-g rubbing, which is when they rub their clitorises together. Some say they orgasm.

I’m not suggesting for a minute we do the same. It isn’t important how bonobos maintain peace in the group. The important factor is that they have peace.
Ethan Bishop: While the Bonobo live in a female dominated and peaceful society while the Chimpanzee lives in a male dominated society complete with war, sexual coercion and infanticide, How do you think the bonobo could have evolved so differently than the chimpanzee?

Vanessa Woods: The natural environment of chimps is kind of like an Easter egg hunt. Anyone who has been to one that doesn’t quite have enough eggs can attest to how quickly sweet-natured children become savage beasts. Like Easter eggs, chimpanzee food is limited and spread over a large area. Females have to forage alone, so they never form strong friendships, and males quickly realize that whoever controls the food holds the power.So now we come to bonobos. If chimpanzees live in an Easter egg patch, then bonobos live in a chocolate factory. Relative to chimpanzees, bonobo food is plentiful. And unlike chimpanzees, bonobos do not have to share their food with gorillas, who only live north of the Congo River while bonobos live to the south. Because there is so much to go around, bonobo females don’t have to compete for the sake of their children. That means females can become friends and stand up to the males who try to threaten them.

Ethan Bishop: Since the Bonobo is an endangered species with only an estimated 10,000-40,000 in existence,  What can we do to save the Bonobo?

Vanessa Woods: Firstly just talk about them. Only 25% of people even know that bonobos are a great ape. Then give to an organization like Friends of Bonobos (www.friendsofbonobos.org) that is doing so much to help bonobos in the wild.

Up Close and Personal with Cyber-Dating Expert, Julie Spira!

May 16, 2010 2 comments

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Back in the early 90s, no one had any idea what this thing called “The Internet” would eventually become and how it would change our lives forever.  Paid services like Prodigy and AOL, were the first steps at getting the masses online.  No longer limited to face to face meetings, people could now easily send messages and interact with each other across the world in seconds.  Some reading this may even remember not only being charged for how LONG they were online but being charged for each E-mail they sent!

Cyber-Dating Expert, Julie Spira!

Eventually, services like Match.com and eHarmony.com started to sprout and appeal to a growing population. It was clear that people wanted to use the Internet to meet other singles.

However, with this new medium came another new phenomenon. Because you were no longer required to physically meet people in person you could also make up any type of personality and any characteristics you thought might attract the opposite sex – 5’5″ ft became 5’9″, Blockbuster Employee became Investment Banker, 135lbs became 110lbs, and brunettes became blondes.

Today, the online dating community has grown and matured. People of all ages are now using these online dating services to meet and eventually get married with huge success.

Cyber-Dating Expert and author of the Best-Selling Book “The Perils of Cyber-Dating: Confessions of a Hopeful Romantic Looking for Love Online”, Julie Spira has arrived to provide assistance in this sometimes chaotic, yet exciting, online dating world. Ms. Spira is the author of a popular website – www.cyber-datingexpert.com – and has appeared on and been quoted in ABC News, BBC, CBS News, CNET, FOX News, Cosmo Radio, E!, WomansDay.com, and more. The full list can be seen on her media page at http://cyberdatingexpert.com/in-the-news. In addition, Julie is the host of “Ask the Cyber-Dating Expert Radio Show” and is a dating coach, where she creates irresistible online dating profiles for her clients.  Be sure to follow her on Twitter @JulieSpira and join her Facebook Fan Site, Cyber Dating Expert.

As with all of my interviews, I asked the fans of The Unbreakable Man Laws Facebook Fan site and compiled a list of the most frequently asked questions.

If you’re in New York during the week of the Sex and the City 2 launch, you’ll have the opportunity to meet Julie in person. She will be appearing in the “Meet the Author” series at the New York Public Library at their New Amsterdam Branch on May 25, 2010 at 1:00pm. The branch is located at 9 Murray Street. On May 26, 2010, Julie will be signing copies of her book, “The Perils of Cyber-Dating” at Book Expo America at the Jacob Javits Convention Center at 9:30am, table 21.

Without further ado, I present Julie Spira!

Ethan Bishop: What are the most common pre-conceptions that people have on using Online Dating Sites such as eHarmony and Match.com?

Julie Spira: It’s not unusual for someone who has never tried online dating to think it isn’t for him or her.  Frankly, some people still think it’s for the socially challenged or for serial daters.  Fortunately, most of the stigma associated with online dating from years ago has disappeared. Singles see the success couples on eHarmony commercials or hear about someone who has gone to a wedding where the couple met on Match. Deep down, they hope it can happen to them as well.

Julia Spira's Best Selling Book!

Ethan Bishop: Are there strategies for weeding out people who are just looking to hook up or are not looking for anything serious? What sorts of advice do you recommend individuals JUST starting out? Which sites in particular do you recommend?

Julie Spira: There are some online dating sites that focus on casual dating or hook ups. These include Adult Friend Finder, Mate One, and Online Booty Call, to name a few. I seriously recommend singles who are interested in a casual relationship sign up for one of these sites. If you are truly looking for a serious relationship, I recommend that your online dating profile reflect this. If you are interested in marriage, check that box on your profile. Don’t worry about scaring away a potential date. If they aren’t interested in a serious relationship, you are doing yourself a favor.
Some red flags for serial daters include:

Marital Status – Separated
Only Contacting you via Instant Messages
No profile photo
Canceling and rescheduling dates
All calls go to voicemail

Let’s look at each of these situations individually.

Marital Status – Separated. If a man or woman says they are separated, they may not have filed for divorce yet or may truly still be married and living with their spouse. Either way, more often than not, this person is not available for a serious relationship. They may need to go through the healing process and you might end up as their “transition person.” If they have filed for divorce, going through the legal proceedings with someone you are dating can be difficult on a new relationship.

Instant Messaging Only. Communicating via text message and instant messages can be fun and flirty. However, I hear too many complaints from singles that they can’t move their relationship from online to offline. If you can’t get past the IM after a reasonable amount of time, it may just be entertainment for someone on the other side of the keyboard. In this case, I suggest you move on.

No Profile Photo. Looks matter. Those who don’t post an online dating profile photo may be hiding something. When creating your online dating profile, your photo is the enticing introduction that starts the communication. Think of it like the lead story on the front page of the newspaper. It has a catchy headline and a captivating photo to engage you as the reader. The same holds true for an online dating profile of someone who really wants to meet someone.

Canceling Dates. When someone is juggling multiple partners, they tend to double-book. Sure you are a member of a dating site and may date several people at a time until you find the right one. If you fall victim to being rescheduled more than once, chances are you have found a serial dater. Move on.

All Calls Go to Voicemail. If you meet someone online and you can never get them on the phone, chances are they might already be in a relationship and might be looking for plan B. I suggest you ask them when it would be convenient to speak. If they never pick up the phone, they might not be available for a relationship as well.

Ethan Bishop: How can one establish trust online? Do you hear many horror stories of people who have gone out with their matches only to find that the person has completely made up this persona?

Julie Spira: I believe you need to trust your intuition when meeting someone online. Do they call when they say they will? Do their online dating profiles say when they were taken?  Do their social networking photos look like their online dating profiles? These are a few questions you need to ask yourself when communicating with someone you met online. Sure, there are many horror stories, including teenagers posing as adults and men posing as women and vice-versa. We know that lying about your age on your profile is common. We have to hope there is truth-in-advertising. Singles are now pleasantly surprised when their online dating photos of their date do match up in real life.

Ethan Bishop:  Does having more choices and reaching a wider pool of potential mates HELP or HINDER those experimenting with Online Dating? Since you never know if you will be matched with Romeo next week, does this endless stream of matches create opportunity or paralysis from having too many choices?

Julie Spira: Having more choices is a good thing. The popularity of online dating continues to grow. A recent Match.com study found that one in five new relationships and one in six new marriages are as a result of people who met through an online dating site.

The more members an online dating site has, the chances are there will be more success stories. There will always be some singles who act like kids in a candy store. They will think the next date might be slightly better than the one they just experienced. If you are lucky to find someone you connect with, I say give it a chance. You may end up being the next online dating success story.

Ethan Bishop: What do you think of the UK site BeautifulPeople.com and the scandal that happened to them recently? Should sites REALLY be allowed to dismiss users for gaining weight?

Julie Spira: Beauty truly is in the eye of the beholder. I looked at the Beautiful People situation, where they booted singles off the site who had gained weight over the holidays, as a public relations gimmick. Insulting people and removing them is wrong, period. Several online dating sites, including Spark.com and eLove.com offered free memberships to those ousted from Beautiful People. Kudos to them for jumping in.

Ethan Bishop: How do you see online dating as changing in the next few years/decades? Will more people use them as our lives become busier.

Julie Spira: I believe that online dating will continue to grow. It’s efficient, available 24 hours a day, and as more people become divorced, it’s an excellent way to get back into the dating pool. You will see mobile dating as a huge growth market, where singles will meet with the convenience of mobile apps. As Facebook now has over 500 million members, many of them will try online dating for their first time when they are logged onto their computer.

Guest Author – “I Want Your Confi-de Le Blanc!” by Trinie Le Blanc

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Some say I have a certain swagger. In Texas, we call it ‘walking’!” – G Dub Bush

WHAT IS CONFIDENCE?

Confi-de le Blanc in Action!

I am going to share one of my many bizarre little secrets with you. My secret is actually a motto I repeat to myself or my friends on occasion – a motto I came up with years ago.

My motto is this: “There are two types of people in the world: the people who like me, and then the people who are just assholes.” (This is actually a spin off from my college motto, which was: “There are two types of men in the world: the ones who find me attractive, and the gay ones.” That’s the easiest way to sum it up, right? If a guy rejects you, the most likely explanation is that he suddenly realized he’s just not attracted to women.) My motto is my own little reminder to myself to be confident and to not take other people’s criticism or rejection too seriously.

What exactly do I mean when I say “confidence”? Confidence is many things – for starters, it’s both accepting AND loving yourself for who you are. Confidence means sharing the REAL you with other people and not being afraid of rejection. Confidence is not caring what other people think; it’s meeting someone’s gaze and maintaining eye contact without flinching.

Confidence is also (as far as I can tell) possibly the most attractive quality someone can possess, regardless of gender. I, for one, have never been attracted to shy men – I am always intrigued by the guys who put themselves out there and aren’t afraid to speak their minds. The guys who walk a direct path to me and strike up a conversation, not caring all that much whether they impress me or not, because their opinion of themselves matters more than what I think of them. That mindset automatically makes a man far more attractive, even if he looks nothing like Johnny Depp or Hugh Jackman (sigh).

Trust in Thyself!

Confidence is particularly attractive in women, I’ve found. Example: I went to a bar, knowing that I looked good – I had walked in with my shoulders pulled back, hips swinging like a pendulum, head held high – and after a few minutes, a table of very good looking guys asked me to sit down with them, which I did. One of them told me that when I first walked into the bar, they all stared and discussed how I clearly had a very high self worth, based on how I carried myself. (Thank you for all those posture corrections, Mom!) In fact, the same guy said, one of his friends at the table was already thinking of marrying me.

I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that, had I walked into the same bar shuffling my feet, staring at the ground, slouched over and refusing to make eye contact with anyone, the same group of guys would not have been drawn to me and likely would have found a confident woman with whom they could converse. But since I acted like the confident woman that I am, they were intrigued.

Thankfully, confidence can be taught and learned. It’s never too late in life to look in the mirror and say, “Damn, I look amazing! Ladies, lock up your men because this chick is on the prowl.” There is always room to learn to appreciate yourself and to teach yourself to stop wasting your time wondering what other people think about you. And the more you tell yourself how amazing you are, the more you’ll really start to believe it, if you don’t already.

In the end, the only person you need to impress is yourself. Other people’s high opinions of you are just the icing on the cake.

You can reach Trinie Le Blanc at: TrinieLeBlanc@UnbreakableManLaws.com

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