The Unbreakable Man Laws

Back in the early 90s, no one had any idea what this thing called “The Internet” would eventually become and how it would change our lives forever.  Paid services like Prodigy and AOL, were the first steps at getting the masses online.  No longer limited to face to face meetings, people could now easily send messages and interact with each other across the world in seconds.  Some reading this may even remember not only being charged for how LONG they were online but being charged for each E-mail they sent!

Cyber-Dating Expert, Julie Spira!

Eventually, services like Match.com and eHarmony.com started to sprout and appeal to a growing population. It was clear that people wanted to use the Internet to meet other singles.

However, with this new medium came another new phenomenon. Because you were no longer required to physically meet people in person you could also make up any type of personality and any characteristics you thought might attract the opposite sex – 5’5″ ft became 5’9″, Blockbuster Employee became Investment Banker, 135lbs became 110lbs, and brunettes became blondes.

Today, the online dating community has grown and matured. People of all ages are now using these online dating services to meet and eventually get married with huge success.

Cyber-Dating Expert and author of the Best-Selling Book “The Perils of Cyber-Dating: Confessions of a Hopeful Romantic Looking for Love Online”, Julie Spira has arrived to provide assistance in this sometimes chaotic, yet exciting, online dating world. Ms. Spira is the author of a popular website – www.cyber-datingexpert.com – and has appeared on and been quoted in ABC News, BBC, CBS News, CNET, FOX News, Cosmo Radio, E!, WomansDay.com, and more. The full list can be seen on her media page at http://cyberdatingexpert.com/in-the-news. In addition, Julie is the host of “Ask the Cyber-Dating Expert Radio Show” and is a dating coach, where she creates irresistible online dating profiles for her clients.  Be sure to follow her on Twitter @JulieSpira and join her Facebook Fan Site, Cyber Dating Expert.

As with all of my interviews, I asked the fans of The Unbreakable Man Laws Facebook Fan site and compiled a list of the most frequently asked questions.

If you’re in New York during the week of the Sex and the City 2 launch, you’ll have the opportunity to meet Julie in person. She will be appearing in the “Meet the Author” series at the New York Public Library at their New Amsterdam Branch on May 25, 2010 at 1:00pm. The branch is located at 9 Murray Street. On May 26, 2010, Julie will be signing copies of her book, “The Perils of Cyber-Dating” at Book Expo America at the Jacob Javits Convention Center at 9:30am, table 21.

Without further ado, I present Julie Spira!

Ethan Bishop: What are the most common pre-conceptions that people have on using Online Dating Sites such as eHarmony and Match.com?

Julie Spira: It’s not unusual for someone who has never tried online dating to think it isn’t for him or her.  Frankly, some people still think it’s for the socially challenged or for serial daters.  Fortunately, most of the stigma associated with online dating from years ago has disappeared. Singles see the success couples on eHarmony commercials or hear about someone who has gone to a wedding where the couple met on Match. Deep down, they hope it can happen to them as well.

Julia Spira's Best Selling Book!

Ethan Bishop: Are there strategies for weeding out people who are just looking to hook up or are not looking for anything serious? What sorts of advice do you recommend individuals JUST starting out? Which sites in particular do you recommend?

Julie Spira: There are some online dating sites that focus on casual dating or hook ups. These include Adult Friend Finder, Mate One, and Online Booty Call, to name a few. I seriously recommend singles who are interested in a casual relationship sign up for one of these sites. If you are truly looking for a serious relationship, I recommend that your online dating profile reflect this. If you are interested in marriage, check that box on your profile. Don’t worry about scaring away a potential date. If they aren’t interested in a serious relationship, you are doing yourself a favor.
Some red flags for serial daters include:

Marital Status – Separated
Only Contacting you via Instant Messages
No profile photo
Canceling and rescheduling dates
All calls go to voicemail

Let’s look at each of these situations individually.

Marital Status – Separated. If a man or woman says they are separated, they may not have filed for divorce yet or may truly still be married and living with their spouse. Either way, more often than not, this person is not available for a serious relationship. They may need to go through the healing process and you might end up as their “transition person.” If they have filed for divorce, going through the legal proceedings with someone you are dating can be difficult on a new relationship.

Instant Messaging Only. Communicating via text message and instant messages can be fun and flirty. However, I hear too many complaints from singles that they can’t move their relationship from online to offline. If you can’t get past the IM after a reasonable amount of time, it may just be entertainment for someone on the other side of the keyboard. In this case, I suggest you move on.

No Profile Photo. Looks matter. Those who don’t post an online dating profile photo may be hiding something. When creating your online dating profile, your photo is the enticing introduction that starts the communication. Think of it like the lead story on the front page of the newspaper. It has a catchy headline and a captivating photo to engage you as the reader. The same holds true for an online dating profile of someone who really wants to meet someone.

Canceling Dates. When someone is juggling multiple partners, they tend to double-book. Sure you are a member of a dating site and may date several people at a time until you find the right one. If you fall victim to being rescheduled more than once, chances are you have found a serial dater. Move on.

All Calls Go to Voicemail. If you meet someone online and you can never get them on the phone, chances are they might already be in a relationship and might be looking for plan B. I suggest you ask them when it would be convenient to speak. If they never pick up the phone, they might not be available for a relationship as well.

Ethan Bishop: How can one establish trust online? Do you hear many horror stories of people who have gone out with their matches only to find that the person has completely made up this persona?

Julie Spira: I believe you need to trust your intuition when meeting someone online. Do they call when they say they will? Do their online dating profiles say when they were taken?  Do their social networking photos look like their online dating profiles? These are a few questions you need to ask yourself when communicating with someone you met online. Sure, there are many horror stories, including teenagers posing as adults and men posing as women and vice-versa. We know that lying about your age on your profile is common. We have to hope there is truth-in-advertising. Singles are now pleasantly surprised when their online dating photos of their date do match up in real life.

Ethan Bishop:  Does having more choices and reaching a wider pool of potential mates HELP or HINDER those experimenting with Online Dating? Since you never know if you will be matched with Romeo next week, does this endless stream of matches create opportunity or paralysis from having too many choices?

Julie Spira: Having more choices is a good thing. The popularity of online dating continues to grow. A recent Match.com study found that one in five new relationships and one in six new marriages are as a result of people who met through an online dating site.

The more members an online dating site has, the chances are there will be more success stories. There will always be some singles who act like kids in a candy store. They will think the next date might be slightly better than the one they just experienced. If you are lucky to find someone you connect with, I say give it a chance. You may end up being the next online dating success story.

Ethan Bishop: What do you think of the UK site BeautifulPeople.com and the scandal that happened to them recently? Should sites REALLY be allowed to dismiss users for gaining weight?

Julie Spira: Beauty truly is in the eye of the beholder. I looked at the Beautiful People situation, where they booted singles off the site who had gained weight over the holidays, as a public relations gimmick. Insulting people and removing them is wrong, period. Several online dating sites, including Spark.com and eLove.com offered free memberships to those ousted from Beautiful People. Kudos to them for jumping in.

Ethan Bishop: How do you see online dating as changing in the next few years/decades? Will more people use them as our lives become busier.

Julie Spira: I believe that online dating will continue to grow. It’s efficient, available 24 hours a day, and as more people become divorced, it’s an excellent way to get back into the dating pool. You will see mobile dating as a huge growth market, where singles will meet with the convenience of mobile apps. As Facebook now has over 500 million members, many of them will try online dating for their first time when they are logged onto their computer.

Some say I have a certain swagger. In Texas, we call it ‘walking’!” – G Dub Bush

WHAT IS CONFIDENCE?

Confi-de le Blanc in Action!

I am going to share one of my many bizarre little secrets with you. My secret is actually a motto I repeat to myself or my friends on occasion – a motto I came up with years ago.

My motto is this: “There are two types of people in the world: the people who like me, and then the people who are just assholes.” (This is actually a spin off from my college motto, which was: “There are two types of men in the world: the ones who find me attractive, and the gay ones.” That’s the easiest way to sum it up, right? If a guy rejects you, the most likely explanation is that he suddenly realized he’s just not attracted to women.) My motto is my own little reminder to myself to be confident and to not take other people’s criticism or rejection too seriously.

What exactly do I mean when I say “confidence”? Confidence is many things – for starters, it’s both accepting AND loving yourself for who you are. Confidence means sharing the REAL you with other people and not being afraid of rejection. Confidence is not caring what other people think; it’s meeting someone’s gaze and maintaining eye contact without flinching.

Confidence is also (as far as I can tell) possibly the most attractive quality someone can possess, regardless of gender. I, for one, have never been attracted to shy men – I am always intrigued by the guys who put themselves out there and aren’t afraid to speak their minds. The guys who walk a direct path to me and strike up a conversation, not caring all that much whether they impress me or not, because their opinion of themselves matters more than what I think of them. That mindset automatically makes a man far more attractive, even if he looks nothing like Johnny Depp or Hugh Jackman (sigh).

Trust in Thyself!

Confidence is particularly attractive in women, I’ve found. Example: I went to a bar, knowing that I looked good – I had walked in with my shoulders pulled back, hips swinging like a pendulum, head held high – and after a few minutes, a table of very good looking guys asked me to sit down with them, which I did. One of them told me that when I first walked into the bar, they all stared and discussed how I clearly had a very high self worth, based on how I carried myself. (Thank you for all those posture corrections, Mom!) In fact, the same guy said, one of his friends at the table was already thinking of marrying me.

I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that, had I walked into the same bar shuffling my feet, staring at the ground, slouched over and refusing to make eye contact with anyone, the same group of guys would not have been drawn to me and likely would have found a confident woman with whom they could converse. But since I acted like the confident woman that I am, they were intrigued.

Thankfully, confidence can be taught and learned. It’s never too late in life to look in the mirror and say, “Damn, I look amazing! Ladies, lock up your men because this chick is on the prowl.” There is always room to learn to appreciate yourself and to teach yourself to stop wasting your time wondering what other people think about you. And the more you tell yourself how amazing you are, the more you’ll really start to believe it, if you don’t already.

In the end, the only person you need to impress is yourself. Other people’s high opinions of you are just the icing on the cake.

You can reach Trinie Le Blanc at: TrinieLeBlanc@UnbreakableManLaws.com

[Download the PDF of this article] 

In my last article for UML, I talked about Rules of Attraction, specifically what personality characteristics women find attractive in men. This time out, let’s delve into some of the psychology and (no kidding) neuroscience that help to explain why we behave the way we do. 

“Mr. Waters, I think we’ve figured out your problem.”

The Man with Three Brains 

No, we’re not talking about a sequel to a classic Steve Martin movie. Triune Brain Theory is a legitimate scientific theory that was proposed by neuroscientist and physician Paul McLean in the 1940s and 1950s when he held a joint appointment in physiology and psychiatry at Yale Medical School. (Translation: he was one smart dude.) McLean was interested in the physiological origins of emotion, i.e. exactly which specific parts of the brain cause us to be the wacky but lovable human beings that we are. 

McLean’s theory was based entirely on evolution; specifically, it assumed that a subset of reptiles eventually evolved into mammals, and that a subset of mammals eventually evolved into humans. In simple terms, McLean envisioned that the modern human brain was constructed of three interconnected layers that mirrored this evolutionary development. Being a scientist, McLean called these layers, or “three brains”, the R-complex, the limbic system¸and the neocortex. Less-smart guys (that is, us) can think of these “brains” as the reptile brain, the monkey brain, and the human brain. Or, if that’s too complicated and you want to be able to understand this after a couple of drinks, let’s call these brains the reptile brain, the puppy-dog brain, and the logic brain. 

[Here we must make a disclaimer. Although triune brain theory is still popular with some psychologists, in that it can be used (at least as a guide) to explain some aspects of human behavior, it is no longer accepted by physiologists – i.e., McLean’s concept of “the reptile brain is connected to the mammal brain is connected to the human brain” (to put it in non-smart-guy-speak) is not exactly physically accurate, from the point of view of neuroanatomy. 

In this way, triune brain theory is kind of like celestial navigation. For hundreds of years (until about the 1950s), the best way to know where you were in the world was to use a sextant and a chronometer to measure star positions and thereby determine latitude and longitude. In order to keep the resulting math simple, celestial navigation pretends that the Earth is at the center of universe, which it obviously isn’t. (Google “Copernicus” if you don’t want to take my word for it.) However, this inconvenient fact didn’t stop the Royal Navy from using celestial navigation to kick the Spanish Armada’s butt, colonize America, and then sail on to the South Pacific so Mr. Christian could lead the Mutiny on the Bounty and return to his hot girlfriend on Tahiti. In other words, even though the physical model on which celestial navigation is based is completely incorrect, it still gives the right answer. In the same way, we can use triune brain theory, despite its physical inaccuracies, to give us good behavioral tips that help both men and women play the Great Game. 

So, please don’t use this article as part of a self-taught course in brain surgery, unless you plan to practice on yourself.] 

The R-Complex:  Breath in, Breath Out.  Repeat. 

"Godzilla Hate Calculus!"

The “lowest” and most basic of the “three brains” is the R-complex, which we can think of simply as the Reptile Brain.  Anatomically, it’s the brain stem and cerebellum, and it controls basic functions of life, like breathing and heartbeat.  There’s not a whole lot of deep thinking going on in the reptile brain – as is apparent to anybody who’s tried to have a conversation with Godzilla. 

“I'm a Mawg: half man, half dog. I'm my own best friend.”

The Limbic System, a.k.a. The Puppy-Dog Brain 

McLean described the limbic system as “the old mammalian brain”, and for our purposes it can be considered to be the seat of the emotions. Obviously, it is this “brain” that regulates (whether we want it to or not) a lot of our dating behaviors, because this is where our attractions and desires “live”. McLean believed that the limbic system was the home, and the source, of our emotions and instincts. In fact, the limbic systems is said to be the home of the “4 F’s” of mammal behavior: fight, flight, feeding, and, uh… fornication. When we get our groove on for any of those four activities, those impulses are originating from the limbic system. 

“OK, the splashdown was successful. We are now GO for post-mission kegerator power-up.”

 

The Neocortex:  The Human Slide Rule 

The neocortex is the seat of all human higher brain functions. It’s where we design moon rockets, compose sonnets, and come up with something to say when it’s four in the morning and we come stumbling home to find a sig other who is ready to kill us because we’ve been out all night with the gang and didn’t come home or even call. In short, the neocortex is the “logic brain” that makes human beings the distinct creatures that we are among all the world’s critters. 

“Okay, big boy, I can see how logic might have its uses, but is it really worth only getting it on once every seven years?”

 

Where We Get in Trouble 

Here’s the basic problem, and the basic question: in the world of dating and sex, which brain is running the show? From the above, you might guess that it’s the limbic system (the emotional or puppy-dog Brain), and you’d be right. Like the puppy’s tail, the limbic system responds to emotion – indeed, it can be considered to me the source of emotion – and, while the “three brains” actually are quite interconnected, the puppy-dog brain doesn’t care about logic. As we teach at AskRomeo, attraction and desire are purely emotional things – logic and reason don’t have anything to do with them. 

How often have you, or a (cough cough) close personal friend, realized that you’ve got a major thing for someone that logic dictates is really no good for you? Maybe it’s the super-hot babe who is methodically turning your bank balance into a jewelry collection while she also dates the football team. Maybe it’s that guy who makes you feel like the happiest girl on Earth, but he just won’t commit and keeps breaking your heart and why oh why is he so emotionally unavailable? All of you friends are telling you that “He / she is no good for you, get out now!” And you just keep asking, “Why do I keep doing this myself? This makes no logical sense!” 

Well, here’s the deal. There is absolutely no reason to expect that it should make logical sense. The part of the triune brain where “things make sense” (or don’t make sense) is the logic (human) brain. The part of the brain where attraction exists is the emotional (puppy-dog) brain. Attraction is neither logical, nor illogical – it is alogical. 

Now listen carefully to this next part, because for our purposes this is the most important part of the theory: while the three “brains” certainly do interact, when it comes to attraction, the puppy-dog brain gets 100% of the vote. This is because the psychological aspect of triune brain theory says when the three brains fight, the lowest brain is always strongest.  

In other words, the three brains are always playing a game of rock-paper-scissors. The reptile brain is “lower” than both the puppy-dog brain and the human brain, which is why it’s impossible to “emote” or “logic” the reptile brain into shutting down the heart or stopping respiration. Similarly, when the puppy-dog (emotional) brain and the human (logic) brain is in conflict over something that the puppy-dog brain wants, even though the logic-brain knows it’s not a good idea, the emotional brain is stronger. The logic-brain may try to run the show, because society and law and upbringing have said that “it’s supposed to”, but the logic-brain is highly disadvantaged in this fight. 

Consider: we all know that it’s impossible to “logic someone” into liking us – attraction either occurs in the other, or it doesn’t, based on our behaviors, looks, and other factors. Whether or not someone “should” be attracted to us, in the abstract, simply isn’t an issue – it’s impossible to logically convince someone to be attracted to us. In the opposite direction, the logic-brain also cannot “convince” the puppy-dog brain to make us attracted to someone that we’re not attracted to; we’ve all met someone who is a good match for us “on paper”, but who just doesn’t get the juices flowing in reality. Logic and “should be” just don’t matter. 

This works in reverse, too… our logic-brains can’t override the puppy-dog brain and tell us to not be attracted to someone we like – and this, of course, is an infinite source of trouble. This fundamental fact explains why, for example, a guy or gal will repeatedly end up in a chain of relationships that aren’t good for him or her, either with the same person (multiple train wrecks with the same engineer) or with different but similar people (multiple train wrecks with different but oh-so-similar engineers ). The puppy-dog brain wants what it wants, and the logic brain can’t convince it otherwise. This is the source of the timeless lament, “I know I shouldn’t, but I just can’t help myself.” (Pascal knew what he was saying when he said that “The heart has its reasons which reason knows not of” – even if he did end that sentence with a preposition.) 

[The above two paragraphs can be neatly summed up in the famous words of dating guru David D’Angelo: (1) Attraction is not a choice. (2) Lack of attraction is not a choice. (3) Both attraction and lack-of-attraction work in both directions, male-to-female and female-to-male.] 

This can be an especially difficult idea for very logical and analytical people to accept. 

Scientist types, for example, are raised, 

during their years of education and subsequent careers as logical problem solvers, to think that reason can solve anything. Solve that fifth-order non-linear partial differential equation? Piece of cake. Create NASA from a standing start in 1958 and be on the Moon by 1969? Easy. Figure out why Delores from the steno pool – you know, the short blonde who wears the super-tight sweaters – won’t go out with me? Why won’t she? Why? There must be a logical answer! 

Uh, actually… no, Professor, there isn’t. Logic ain’t got nothin’ to do with attraction and sex. Any attempt to try to make it make sense will only (a) waste time, (b) waste money, and (c) drive you crazy. Despite triune brain theory being incorrect from a neuroanatomy perspective – in that there actually are vast interconnections between the neo-cortex (logic-brain) and limbic system (puppy-dog brain) – the psychological, “layering” aspect of the theory can help us understand why attraction doesn’t make sense, why it doesn’t have to, and why therefore there is no value in insisting that it do so. In short – don’t try to understand attraction, just enjoy it. 

Recall, though, that we said earlier that “the lowest brain is always strongest”. We did not say “the lowest brain always wins”. Remember, neurologically, the brains are connected – they do influence each other. This is a good thing – there actually is hope for us. Given a strong enough motivation – like, say, getting repeatedly dumped by the same guy, being served with multiple restraining orders, or experiencing the complete draining of one’s bank account to finance her “acting” career – it is possible for the logic-brain to finally get fed up and get the upper hand over the puppy-dog brain. If this were not true, and we were uncontrollably and inexorably held in thrall by our emotional desires, then we’d be trapped forever. But we are still human beings, we still have logic-brains, and we still control our own destinies. We are not puppy dogs. By understanding the concepts of triune brain theory, we can understand what is going on, psychologically, in our brains and in our hearts, and, armed with knowledge, we can better balance our emotion with reason, and our reason with emotion, and live better lives as we play the Great Game.  

  

One Final Point 

“Time-traveling is just too dangerous. Better that I devote myself to study the other great mystery of the universe: women!”

 

  

I have personally noticed one aspect about the way my own brain (or at least my own consciousness) works that I attribute to the triune brain idea. I don’t know if this occurs for other people, but I present it for discussion. 

When we get drunk, or subject the brain to other intoxicants, we anesthetize the higher brain functions. We all know that judgment and the ability to reason logically are among the first brain functions to go south when we get hammered. When this happens, our logic-brains, which are normally trying to run the show, get shut down chemically, and now the emotional- brain, which is often held in check (albeit poorly) by the logic-brain, gets to run the show without that friggin’ logic-brain spoiling all the fun with insecurities and wussy concerns about social norms and rules. I.e., when we get drunk, we get not only stupid, we get emotional. This is, of course, the source of the vast majority of “I love you man” comments throughout history, as well as many of the “in retrospect, that was really a bad idea” hookups. 

I also believe that the same effect occurs, at least to me, when I’m falling asleep or just as I’m waking up. I believe that during these periods, my own logic-brain falls asleep first, and fully awakens last. Thus, for a few minutes before I drift off and for a few minutes after I first wake up, my emotional-brain gets to operate unfettered from the effects of my logic brain, and what I am feeling is given free rein to express itself in my thoughts without my logic-brain mucking things up with all sorts of reasons why I really shouldn’t be thinking that. In other words, I can really trust what I’m thinking about right as I’m falling asleep or right after I wake up. In particular, if I wake up thinking about a woman, I know she’s really gotten to me. 

Your mileage may vary, but I’d be interested in other people’s opinions of this fall-asleep / wake-up phenomenon. 

Until then… listen to your puppy dog. It knows what you want. 

[For more info on triune brain theory, click here and here.]