The Unbreakable Man Laws

Part II. The Waning Hose Theory

In the first part of this theory, we defined  the term Feminine Rage. If you took away the following message that Feminine Rage was attributed to the males inability to proactively anticipate a problem before it arose and thus became a more serious problem then “Congratulations!” You can now read the rest of this post. If you did NOT have this interpretation, ask yourself this simple question:

Why so serious?

So the question that has been shot to me, comes about – Why did the definition of  Feminine Rage treat this like a disease that only happens to women? Don’t men get angry too?

Tension that is waiting to be released.

Hold on.

Yes. Men get angry; very angry; and much angrier than women do even when experiencing Feminine Rage. However, there are two things to point out when answering this question:

1) When men get angry, we tend to perform actions that are a direct result of this anger. Start wars, fights, and any other distinctly masculine phenomenon.

AND

2)  As Leonidas, on The Unbreakable Man Laws Facebook Page so aptly put it“…since I only date women I can only be concerned with them as far as psychoses in relationships!”

Before I begin, understand that this is for illustration purposes only and by no means does anything on UML claim to take the place of actual science or a good Psychiatrist/Counselor. If you are looking for actual relationship advice you can trust, try Dr. Schlessinger. I hear she is “hot” these days.

Now, where were we?

Take a (water) hose and tie one knot at the end of it. Now, turn the hose on and allow the water to build up. Hold this image in your mind. When the water starts to collect near the base and begins to expand like a balloon, this is the equivalent of pent-up Feminine Rage. It has been building over a course of days, weeks, and months.  For the purposes of this analogy, we can think of the water as “negativity.” It has to go somewhere…

So what happens when Feminine Rage is released and it happens to be directed at you? Is the relationship over for good?

Absolutely, Positively, Emphatically “NO!”

Although everything will point towards the exact opposite especially when the experience can be likened to charging the beaches during the opening scene of Saving Private Ryan.

In most instances our impulse, or reflexive action is to immediately jump on the defensive. Deny. Accuse and fight back. While this works in a man’s world where if you bomb us, we bomb you , this same philosophy does not exactly hold true to the fairer sex.

Contrary to popular belief, “The Waning Hose Theory” has nothing to do with impotence and everything to do with how we, as men, CHOOSE to handle this situation.

Back to our analogy, we have our hose (i.e. her filling up with emotion) about to burst. There’s no point in taking cover or running the opposite direction. In fact, you need to face her as if you are the last standing Gladiator in an arena that is about to unleash the tigers. Chances are, these have been fed primarily for this purpose and only the strong shall survive…

When your woman comes to you angry or immediately exhibits the following characteristics of Feminine Rage after a comment that you have made – look for the following signs:

• shortness of breath
• slight hyperventilation, often coupled with a slight tinge of redness in the face (although your experience  may vary)
• Unblinking/Unflinching Eyes; DIRECT and FOCUSED Eye Contact.

When you notice this, do not say anything to retaliate, explain, or rationalize your side. You first need to STFU and listen. Secondly, you need to STFU and listen.  Chances are the hose is still half full and there is a lot to let go. As mentioned before, this tension and negativity has been built up for weeks or months and not all of it has ANYTHING to do with something you may have done – her girlfriends have been yapping their complaints to her and expecting her to listen to all of their BS. Now, it is only fair that she turns this onto someone that needs to listen if he’s going to be with her.

Allow her to get all of that pent-up tension out. There's no way to force it, so you have to be patient. Chances are, she will not immediately feel better after its all done.

Books have been written on how to listen, but for the purposes of this article, all you need to understand is that listening is more than just “grunts” and passive acknowledgments although I am sometimes guilty of this myself. You need to formulate questions that allow her to REALLY get rolling even to the extent that she may grow even angrier based on a question that you asked.

Allowing this built up tension to be released is where The Waning Hose Theory derives its name. The water in the hose – wanes.

Just as a hose lays limp on the ground, even once you pick it up, there still remains a little trickle that you need to shake loose. Allow her to get that last part out – as we all know from watching too many horror movies, even though he/she may look dead, you better make sure there is nothing left in there.

After the explosion, your job, as the man in the relationship, is to slowly, gently, roll the hose back up, and tuck it back into place.

(Editorial Note: And just so you know, it’s called “Make Up Sex” for a reason.)

Part I: The Feminine Rage Theory

This post comes with a cautionary disclaimer. Ladies, do not read this in the presence of a guy. If you do, you may want to ask him to temporarily leave the immediate (striking) vicinity. This is for his safety as this post may bring out unlocked feelings that have yet to be expressed.

Do you really think this type of anger could be directed at another woman? Only guys possess this unique talent to anger thy woman so!

Before I begin with “The Feminine Rage Theory“, first things first. Everyone gets angry. Men. Women. Cats. Dogs. Ants, Birds and some plant life. However, out of all of these, it is Feminine Rage that remains elusive to most male comprehension. We just don’t understand it. When a guy gets angry, he goes outside and hits a punching bag, goes to the gym, or exerts physical force on an object. We can typically SEE what he DOES. He might yell at someone for a minute or two, lose interest, then go back inside and feed Brutus the cat.

Simple.

Feminine Rage is a completely different animal. In fact, it deserves a new chapter and classification in DSM-IV. What may surprise you is that most women are not even aware of the existence of Feminine Rage?

Excuse Me, Mr. Bishop? What did you just say?

Yes, most other women have never really seen this before, because Feminine Rage is always directed towards a man.   Women are naturally much better at telling when another woman is becoming upset and she will PROACTIVELY prevent this from occuring in most cases. Unfortunately, guys lack this ability and we often don’t see or notice a problem until she has already concluded that you must be one of the dumbest guys on the planet.  Without further ado, Let’s go to the root of the issue – the cause.

“If you are talking behind my back, then you are in a great position to kiss my ass.” – An Awesome poster on The Unbreakable Man Laws

Women live in a world that tells them that in order to be feminine, they need to be kind and nice to people all day long.  Whether she actually subscribes to this notion is up to her individual personality, however, most women make a partial attempt at being “sugar and spice and everything nice.” You can witness this quite well on Facebook.  For best results, check on a Sunday or Monday night after everyone is back from the weekend. Inevitably, You will hear from one of your female friends go CRAZY about how some b*tch that she can’t stand did X,Y, and Z to her last night at the bar. Less than two seconds later after she says this to you, this girl that she is talking to you about will sign her wall saying “It was so great seeing you!! I loved our heart-to-heart time! Girls Night STAT xoxo”

Now, you would think it would stop there. However, it doesn’t.

In fact, after receiving this wall post, she will respond – “ABSOLUTELY my love! You looked fantastic last night! Wine night is in our future babe!”

If you happen to be sitting in the room with her as this is occurring, listen for these six words –  “I f**kin’ hate that stupid b*tch.” Regardless of the actual words that come out of her mouth, whether she is 9 or 90, she is thinking and feeling this…

"Go ahead and say something Johnny, I dare you."

After a few days and weeks of holding this cheery facade, a woman will need to release all of this built up tension. Typically, this won’t occur to another woman within her group of friends for fear of getting ostracized from the social group. When it does, you will frequently see one of the individuals immediately issue an apology the next day via Fed-Ex. Women only REALLY get angry in the presence of guys. They know that we really can’t match them in a face-to-face verbal confrontation. So this is when they really pull all of the stops out and let loose. When this occurs, the brief annoyance of pissyness is upgraded to Feminine Rage. Again, for Feminine Rage to occur it has to be directed at a man. Women just don’t get as angry to each other and express it.

Now, Gentlemen, there is no quick fix for Feminine Rage. So, forget that right now. Men have been trying for centuries to figure out how to end these fits of rage, they’ve invented wine, island retreats, cruises in the Bahamas, and while this can hold back  Feminine Rage at a distance, sooner or later it’s going to strike. So your best bet is simply to deal with it, and understand what you CAN do when it is directed at you.

And it will…

Direct your feminine rage by commenting below OR send me a message: ethanbishop@unbreakablemanlaws.com

Continue to Part II – The Waning Hose Theory. 

“I thought it said “liberate me” – “save me.”

But it’s not “me.”

It’s “liberate tutame” – “save yourself.”” – D.J. (Event Horizon, 1997)

Photography by Xeniya Ketz, http://www.xeniyaketz.com ©2011 Xeniya Ketz

The older I become the more I notice about people, life and the world. Since this blog focuses on the first two (and reserves the latter for the reader), we’ll start with the following preconditions:

1)      99.9% of people can give solid relationship advice to others.
2)      None of these people can give relationship advice to themselves.

It took me years to realize this until I started noticing a universal pattern. Both men and women contacted me, usually through instant message with an urgent request – A request that could not wait; A request that required my utmost attention.  At first I used to think that these request came because not only was I the son of a psychologist providing me with all of the credibility they needed with a fraction of the cost, but I ALSO possessed the uncanny ability to listen. It soon came to my attention that my impressive credentials were not the reason these individuals were contacting me, their request had more to do with the fact that I was the only one they could reach at 3:30am that night.
Many late night discussions were had trying to understand the opposite sex.  Guys wanted to know how come they weren’t getting laid, and girls often wanted to know why the guys they liked were so stupid. It wasn’t until a particularly interesting theoretical discussion with a good friend of mine that we made the following observation, published here for the very first time in Man Theory:

Women are like black holes.

While we [men] did our best to stand clear, we were naturally drawn to them.  Something about their silent, alluring, awesome power kept us at bay while simultaneously and seductively drawing us closer.  We liked to test how close we could get to the object of interest, without being sucked in through overwhelming gravitational pull.  Once we passed the point of no return, what appeared as normal behavior to us, could now be seen by our buddies and close friends as crazy. Some men like to euphemistically call this p-whipped or having a case of one-itis. Regardless of what one calls it, we were lost to her powers of seduction. This is what would later be called – The Relationship Event Horizon Theory.

What is The Relationship Event Horizon Theory you ask?

While you are outside the point of no return, you can view a relationship objectively. Once inside, its not so bright anymore!

Here, I’ll tell you.

The Relationship Event Horizon Theory is the inability to give oneself un-biased advice regarding one’s relationships. The two individuals in a relationship are too involved to objectively look at the relationship and thus, while being able to give advice to others we are unable to listen to our own advice.  When a member of a police team is too close to the crime because it involves a family member, he or she will be removed from the investigation. The same principal holds true here.

When I seek advice from others, often times, it is when I am at a plateau in the relationship.  For instance, things were going good with the new love interest and now things have slowed down and I seem to be stalling in place and not moving forward.  When describing the person I was dating at the time, I would paint her in the worst possible light. I’d highlight all of the things wrong with this person instead of the things that she did right.  Anyone listening would have to be CRAZY not to agree with me.

So the next time your friend calls you up in the middle of the night and you are refraining from  telling him to STFU because the answer is obvious to everyone around him,  you now know that this phenomenon is experienced worldwide, between all races and sexes.  Ultimately, the times that I make the best decisions is not when I listen to my friends, its when I take all the pieces of the puzzle, and arrive at my own conclusion.

There was a fantastic quote from Socrates that completely summarized this entire piece perfectly. However, I misplaced that one, so Morpheus from The Matrix, will have to do:

“[I] can only show you the door. You’re the one that has to walk through it.”

The outside observer can see where the person stands who has been caught in "The Relationship Event Horizon."