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Man Theory – Red Flags From Last Night, Part I.
(Editorial Note: Ladies, Download your Red Flags Candidate Evaluation Form for a complete post-review of your date. )
A few weeks ago, I requested from both girls and guys their lists of Red Flags when out on a date… While I had my own hypothesis, I wanted to hear it straight from the horses’ mouth. When I asked the guys, the most common response was “I’ll think about it and get back to you”.
They never got back.
It’s clear that when a guy is attracted to a woman, he is much less susceptible to physical or personality trait “flaws”. In other words, our standards aren’t that high…
Now, when I asked women what their Red Flags were, they came in by the bushel. So much so that I had to LIMIT the number of Red Flags that they sent in (i.e. “Please limit to 2000 words or less”).
The good news is that Red Flags are PERSONALITY Red Flags and CAN be corrected. The bad news is that most of the time, the people who exhibit these Red Flags are completely unaware that they are turning the other person off… Gentlemen, listen up…because this is what you need to hear… We all fall victim to delusions of grandeur, yet do it in moderation, don’t get too cocky!…Pay Attention!
Whilst Red Flags came in many shapes and forms, listed below were the most frequent Red Flags sent by women:
The P.I.T. – Pedophile In Training – Overly-Touchy (Hands like a Wet Mop) –While touch is essential to any potentially romantic connection, TOO much touching is a huge turn off and red flag. As a general rule, if she is not giving you direct signals of interest (dilated pupils, hair tosses, initiating touch), hands off Gentlemen. Slapping asses and grabbing were all listed multiple times as being red flags for most women. Being Pushy, Excessive Controlling and Clingy should all be avoided. Ultimately, you want her to open up to touching you without her feeling rushed or pushed into it.
"Why am I paying HALF when you ordered the 24 OZ Rib-Eye, Two Glasses of Red Wine, and appetizer and I ordered the salad and water?"
Elevator-Eye Syndrome (Up and Down, Up and Down, Up and Down…)– If your eyes travel up and down her body (like an Elevator), you can be pretty sure she will notice… This was another common Red Flag…There is a very sexual way you can look at a woman, but you have to look into her eyes…not her chest . STRIKE 1!
Mr. Braggart – Excessive Talk of Money (“Did I mention I drive a <insert fancy car>…Ok…continue talking about what you did for Mother’s Day”)– Another common Red Flag were guys who “bragged” about how much money they had…Now most men don’t do this explicitly, it was more so the “listing of possessions” that indicated one had a lot of money. Money can be a sensitive issue in dating and while you might have a lot of it, talking about this seemed universally to turn off most women. In fact, it seems that the more you have, the more effort you need to make to seem like these objects do not define who you are…
The Self-Absorbed (“Hey, stop talking to me, can’t you see I’m checking myself out in the mirror”) – Nearly all women mentioned guys that seemed overly concerned about their appearance as a huge red flag… It’s all right to be slightly metrosexual, but if you have enough gel in your hair to make a porcupine go “Yikes”, tone it down a bit…
The Inattentive – (“I’m sorry what were you saying? I was looking at the girl over there…”) – If the guy pays more attention to the waitress with big breasts than her, was a HUGE Red Flag. If a guy is looking at his phone, texting, e-mailing, and being unresponsive while in the middle of a conversation; When a guy acts in any way that acts like he’s not interested in being there with YOU in any way… These were all common Men Flags… Gentlemen, remember to take your Ritalin and Adderrall before the date… STRIKE 2!
The “Lambda Lambda Lambda” Look (Self Explanatory – Click Here)– Appearance can go a long ways in men’s favor. You NEED to have a sense of style. This doesn’t mean every article of clothing needs to look like you stepped off the cover of GQ, it does need to mean you have the ability to dress for the occasion. While every girl might have a typical look that they tend to be attracted to such as the Jock look versus the Club Guy look versus the Just-Came-Out-of-a-2Pac video look, the Universal Red Flag was the “I Just Crawled Out of Bed” on a first date look. Several of the horror stories I received had girls showing up to fancy restaurants in high heels and a skirt where the guy came in khaki shorts and running shoes. First dates are typically “weed out” dates so look nice gentlemen… This was a deal breaker for many women…Brush your teeth, Shower, Comb your hair…throw some cologne on…
"Wait...You are 24 and you've been divorced HOW many times??"
“Forrest Gump” Syndrome – The Poor Conversationalist – Ultimately, many men are not born with the gift of gab as our female counterparts when it comes to conversation. Scientific studies have shown that the female brain is more connected than the male’s brain, which as a result allows them to draw from different areas of the brain at a higher frequency. In summary, they are smarter than us. They know this and typically, they forgive us for our stupidity in most social situations. However, the big conversational no-no’s:
- Don’t ask about her sexual history – You don’t want to know! Just be glad you MIGHT be a part of it sometime in the future if you don’t ask this question…
- Don’t talk about your Exes – This gives a lot of women the impression that you aren’t over the EX if you bring her up, particularly In the first few dates..
- Don’t tell her how much she reminds you of your mother – self-explanatory, I hope…
- Even if you have a lot of it, don’t talk about money… Guys easily came across as bragging in this area…
- Don’t Mention your list of “Hot Chicks” –One story received consisted of a guy who went on and on about how hot “Lindsay Lohan” was… This is locker room talk gentlemen…
The D.F.D. – “Drunk on First Date” – For the most part, most women warned against getting sloppy drunk on the first date. This is not a good sign. Alcohol can do wonders acting as a social lubricant, but be mindful of how much you drink. If you start slurring your words you can bet she notices. On the opposite end, don’t keep feeding her drinks. She will catch on if you seem “overly-eager” to keep her glass from reaching the bottom.
The Self-Proclaimed King – Population: Zero – RUDENESS – Lastly, the number one Red Flag that was sent in by most women was on being Rude. However, the red flag was not rudeness directed towards her on the date but others – waiters/waitresses, bell-hops, strangers, etc. In other words, if she noticed that the guy treats other people poorly, what does this say about him and how he would treat her? The problem with rudeness is that most men don’t know that they are doing it which makes it such a turn off. You may be completely unaware of your rudeness and women will most likely hide any reactions that they have towards what they see. So, gentlemen, we all know the asshole characteristic consistently is attractive to women despite what they say, yet you want to mix this with chivalrous characteristics – hold the door and let her go first, open her car door, wait until she gets into her building/house before leaving…Or as my Grandfather used to say, “The woman always comes first…inside the bedroom and out…” (loosely paraphrased). Rudeness Gentlemen….Strike 3, YERR OUTTTT!!
If you hear or see any of these, Ladies, your response needs to be “Check Please!” . These Red Flags were all sent in by a woman who has a weakness for Military men and are TRUE stories…they were so good, I had to keep them in their original form…Enjoy:
- “If the guy you are seeing is leaving the country for a few months and you notice a 12-pack of condoms in his bag…Red Flag…”
- “If they pull out a pocket knife and shave the arm of the guy standing next to you at the bar to show you how sharp his knife is… Red Flag…”
"OMG...Is that a dog breathing on me?"
- “If he has a panic attack while driving and you’re in the passenger seat…Red Flag…”
- “If he calls after the first date the next day and ask you to LIE to his insurance company regarding an incident that occurred after he dropped you off the night before…Red Flag…”
- “If you find out the guy you have been seeing for a month is moving in with 3 girls, one of which he’s slept with before…RED FLAG…”
Stay Tuned. Gentlemen, Our Red Flags List is Next!
Man Theory – The Art of Text, Part II – The Rise of The Textual Revolution
(Editorial Note: Be sure to read the first post in this series, The Art of Text, Part I )
Love it or Hate it, the TEXT is here to stay. The textual revolution marks the rise of the TEXT message as an integral step in the courtship process… The revolution is happening NOW. Many women continue to refuse to accept the text message as a part of dating. These women think that by not responding to text messages and only accepting phone calls they are screening out men who only want one thing. Yes, there are definitely men out there who are not interested in anything serious, however, this can not be determined through a text OR a phone call.
Nothing is hotter than receiving a text message from someone you
In fact, it’s even more surprising to hear from women that the guy who called the next day after they met him, they are NOT interested in because he seems TOO interested… By not accepting text as a way of communicating, women are limiting great guys who might simply lead busy lives. Many of these guys are not opposed to calling on the phone; they are opposed to wasting their time. I view the ability to text as an early screening method. Regardless of where the relationship progresses, a woman who I can easily respond to through text message IS a woman I would be interested in dating seriously. Simple as that. For those of us with full-time professional jobs, graduate school and a host of other activities and responsibilities, a lengthy daily phone call with someone who “just might” be interested is simply too time consuming. Because of my schedule, any woman who only responds to phone calls is simply too high maintenance. To a man, a woman is an investment. Why should he invest in a company that might not be there tomorrow? And for that matter, would anyone tell him the company no longer existed?
To this, I say, do not start off calling the person of interest right from the start. If things work out, sure, you may end up having longer phone conversations, otherwise, I limit it to text and face-to-face time. Many married couples in the work place are now relying on text to stay in touch with each other as opposed to locking themselves in the office and talking with their spouses throughout the workday.
Those of you that plan on maintaining a relationship with the opposite sex in the 21st century need to simply get used to the fact that TEXT is here to stay… At the time of the posting of this article a little less than a year ago(11/2008) , over 75 Billion Text Messages were being sent EACH MONTH and this number is rising. (See: http://www.cellsigns.com/industry.shtml )
We think its safe to assume that 65 billion of these messages were sexually related in nature…
Moving on…
When you meet someone new, use text to flirt, and a CALL to schedule dates. A few short flirty texts back and forth with her, followed by a “I will call you later” (and don’t be too specific on time, you have things to do like your life) will do wonders for landing a future date. A woman who demands that you call her constantly at the start of the courtship process is simply too much trouble for the busy schedule you are hopefully maintaining.
Upon interviewing a few gentlemen for this post, there was a mixture of responses for HOW they keep in touch with women after meeting them initially. All of them included some variation of texting; however, whether to CALL first or to TEXT first seems like an personal choice. Some preferred to call the woman for a short conversation first and then text her afterwards. It’s been his experience that women tend to respond by texting anyways after they’ve gone out a few times. Other men simply texted first and later called to schedule a date to make plans.
From a woman’s perspective, she has given her number out to guys before who have never contacted her. She won’t know who it is when you text or call…So instead of a specific line, construct a text message that contains the following in some form or fashion:
- Your name.
- Something unique about the conversation/interaction that she had with YOU…
With this in mind, there seem to be a few universal rules to texting that most people agree on:
- Match her text. 1:1. If she sends a text, send a single text to respond…AT MOST send two texts; however anything more than that can be judged as needy and for a complete stranger that has no history with her, possibly too much.
- Notice her Response Time and Match it. Typically, the faster she gets back to you, the higher her interest level. Some women like to challenge guys that they really like by PURPOSELY making him wait for a response. This is all FINE and dandy, but gentlemen, don’t hold your breath waiting for a response that may never happen. If she doesn’t get back to you within a 24 hour period to any message, place her on the “flake” list. I’ve noticed that there seems to be a strong correlation between those who are flakes and those who take longer than a few hours to respond.
- Keep text light, fun, flirty, and save the serious conversations for in person after the two of you have gone out more than a few times…
What do you think Marsha? Maybe I should have texted him back...
Sites DEVOTED to the text are popping up as we speak. Arguably the most popular is Text From Last Night. Updated on a daily, if not hourly basis, sites like these can be inspirational for developing a unique and clever text tailored to the girl you are pursuing. As a general rule, stay away from crude messages at the beginning and even if you are going out with the person. Text, as well as all electronic communication, are KNOWN for being misinterpreted. Save the crudeness for in person when you can read her reaction and her body signals. Plus, she will appreciate that you are in striking distance if it’s really raunchy…
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Nick Bradshaw sent me the following TEXT vs CALLING opener he uses in social situations. I liked it so much that I thought I’d include it in this post. This specific example is one he uses when out, however, whether or not its to meet a new group of women or amongst your friends, it’s a great conversational topic…
You: “Hey can you ladies give me your opinion? (rhetorical) Me and my buddy have been over here in a heated debate, and we really need a woman’s perspective.”
Girl(s): “Yeah sure.” (Already annoyed that you’re bothering her(them))
You: We’re trying to figure out what the best way to contact a woman after you meet her. Let’s just say hypothetically that we (pointing to one of the girls’ meet and we’re both attracted to one another. We exchange information, phone number, FB, whatever… Is it better to call? Or is it better to text? Ya see I’m a (here’s where you pick one of the options) “text” guy and my buddy is a “call” guy.” What do you ladies prefer?”
(Nick Bradshaw Editorial Note: This is where ALL women are receptive to this. They have all been in this situation and they will feel as though it is their womanly duty to school a male on how to properly interact with a woman)
Girl: “Oh you definitely want to [call/text] first. That’s what shows initiative but it’s not creepy.”
(Nick Bradshaw Commentary: The thing that’s so beautiful about this is that it’s non-threatening, but you’ve actually already opened up a way to get the girl(s) phone number. You can run it out as long as you want. Basically going over why you think it’s better to call or text. It’s even more fun if there are 2 girls and one girl prefers to be called and the other prefers to be texted. It pits them against one another and allows (if you’re running it with 2 guys) to split them up and start individual conversations.)
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Until next time, keep sending in your comments or if you’d like to be interviewed for the Art of Text, Part III, shoot me a message at ethanbishop@unbreakablemanlaws.com. This is Ethan Bishop, over and out.
AND the grownups, doctors, and lawyers…need we say more?
Man Law #51 – Negotiate a Relationship like you Negotiate a Salary, State your Boundaries and Never Settle for Less than You’re Worth.
It’s imperative when you first start dating someone new that you set certain boundaries for what you are willing and not willing to do. These boundaries don’t need to be set in rock solid stone, however, its been my experience that if you find yourself compromising over and over and you tend to get the shorter end of the stick, than this is not a woman you want to get involved with. Think of a boundary as an invisible fence – she doesn’t need to know exactly where it is, she just needs to know if she crosses it. The men that have no boundaries will find that they are too often put into the friend zone when dating women. These are the guys that she is interested in at first, and quickly realizes that she can walk all over, thus losing any attractiveness to the guy that she once had. Despite any games she may play with you to test these boundaries, you need to retain your composure, reinforce the surrounding perimeter, and if necessary, walk from the deal…
An attractive woman might attempt to strong arm your interactions. She might try to state the conditions that she will go out with you. It's for this reason that you need to keep cool, and walk from a deal if its clear you are on the losing end...
It’s alright if she expects to be treated like a Queen, but you better be sure that she is treating YOU as the King. And most likely, she’s not treating you any different than all the other guys that meet her initially, especially at first and she has nothing invested in the relationship. Its for this very reason that you need to take things slowly especially with respect to your finances, and not spend a lot of money on her with hopes of impressing her. Think of each week that passes by as an increase in the amount you are willing to spend on her. She will be more impressed by your ingenuity and resourcefulness in planning a date rather than the AMOUNT that you spend on it. The enjoyment the two of you experience together needs to be independent of the amount of money you find yourself spending.
While this law applies to men just as easily as to women, I find that far too often a guy will overly compensate for a woman he likes and as a result, she will lose interest and either keep him on a rotation of men that she is currently dating without really “elevating” him above the pack OR worse (and yes, this always seems to be the case), throws him in the Friend Zone. An excellent example is a movie I saw last week after years and years of women saying that I should read the book and/or see the movie, “He’s Just Not That Into You“. Many of us know people who have had dating/relationship encounters such as the ones that occur in the movie. Scarlett Johannson’s character plays a woman who is infatuated with a married man. Even though she KNOWS he is in a relationship, this only increases his attractiveness to her. Meanwhile, she finds a guy that she used to date , Conor Barry, who is portrayed as a successful Real Estate man and would potentially be a more sustainable and compatible partner, as unsuitable and no matter how hard he tries, she just is not that into him. After realizing her infatuation with the married man will never go anywhere, she (reluctantly?) relents to Conor’s advances, and becomes his girlfriend. She ultimately uses Conor to fill in the gaps while the guy she actually likes is attempting to form (or maintain a life with his wife depending on your viewpoint) . In the end, she relegates Conor to the friend zone after he hoped to have her move in with him to a house he was planning to buy. Tough Break Conor.
Just about all of us have had the shades pulled over our eyes when we were seriously attracted to someone…We saw what we wanted to see. When we really like someone, he/she could do just about anything and we will rationalize it over and over. We’ll most likely downplay the signs of non-interest, and exaggerate the signs of interest. In almost any and every situation where I have questioned signs of non-interest to the extent that I sought out another person’s interpretation, these relationships did not work out. How far she stretches you out of your comfort zone is directly proportional to how hard the breakup will be for you in the end.
It’s for that reason that you need to set certain boundaries right from the start…It doesn’t mean black and white, take it or leave it, it simply means that if a compromise to her is 80/20…and you are the 20, you need to cut your losses and move on. You’ll be happier you left the situation and more than likely, your buddies have been telling you this all along and you simply didn’t want to realize it. If you find yourself consistently compromising your own well being in order to satisfy her, than cut your losses, move on and never settle for less than you are worth….
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