The Unbreakable Man Laws

Thy Wingwoman: Smart, Sexy, and On Your Side.

While I’m no anthropologist, my Spidey Sense tells me that at the dawn of the human race, when a caveman would see a pretty girl – which I’d suppose in those days meant the least hairy of the women – he would club her over the head and drag her by the hair back to his prehistoric bachelor pad, woo her with flowers and monosyllabic grunts, and impress her with his ability to light fires. And so began the game of picking up women.

In modern times, women have evolved and thus, albeit to a less notable degree, so have the men. Few girls that I know would respond well to being clubbed over the head at a bar, but most would be open to talking to a guy who gathered the courage to approach them directly.

Of course, approaching any unknown woman must be quite a daunting task for the single man. Because of this, a great number of men have used wingmen at one time or another – those drinking buddies of theirs who intercede on their behalf in order to gauge an attractive woman’s potential interest or to lay the foundation for (what they hope will be) a smooth pickup.

However, from my own personal experiences when guys have deployed their wingmen to strike up a conversation with me, this effort falls flat. First of all, the situation is too obvious, and second, it’s often awkward and I feel forced to plaster a polite smile onto my face while on the inside my brain is working furiously to devise an exit strategy.

This is why I believe that more men should employ wingwomen to promote their cause. Have you men ever wondered what goes on in the girls bathrooms at bars and clubs? When I go out, I always witness two strangers in the bathroom strike up a conversation along these lines:

Stranger 1: “Oh my God, those are the cutest shoes! Do you mind if I ask where you got them?”

Stranger 2: “Thank you! I actually got them on sale at asos.com.”

Stranger 1: “What’s asos.com?”

Stranger 2: “Oh, you have to check them out… They’re actually based out of London. ASOS stands for ‘As Seen On Screen’ and they have a lot of clothes in the style of Lady Gaga or Victoria Beckham… Here, I’ll write the address for you on the back of my business card.” (Do you see how easy it is for women to get each other’s numbers?)

… Or else two women will be complaining about how their boyfriends always leave the toilet seat up, and then a third will hear the conversation and suddenly chime in with, “Thank God I’m not the only one going through this!” In short, many of us make friends in the bathroom. We laugh, we commiserate, we congratulate… And we unhook the toilet paper trailing from each other’s stilettos when we leave the bathroom.

Once outside the bathroom, we still run into each other and exchange a smile or at least a few words, like a joke referring back to the men who leave the toilet seats up, as we had previously discussed in the ladies’ room. This is far more natural an interaction than, say, a random guy approaching you out of nowhere to strike up a conversation.

One time, I was at a bar with two of my guy friends, and one of them (James) was – as usual – being extremely shy where women were concerned, so I decided to take matters into my own hands. I saw a small group of cute girls and managed to strike up a conversation with them. After a little while, I discovered that one of the girls was originally from Utah, which happened to be where my shy friend James was from. I used that opportunity to turn back to my guy friends and say, “Hey James, I just met someone from your home state!” James came over and began talking to these girls, and at that point I walked away, content to let James work his magic.

… The problem was that James actually didn’t have any game, so he came back over to me about two minutes later, but that’s beside the point.

Guys, if you really want spark a woman’s interest, use a wingwoman to strike up a conversation with her – don’t use a wingman. The wingwoman ploy is a bit more devious because when we women talk to each other at a bar, we usually assume that we’re not trying to pick each other up (well, depending on the type of bar you’re at, that is). When a man approaches us, however, our subconscious guard goes up and we’re more wary.

So how do you know which of your female friends might make a reliable wingwoman? Use the following checklist:

– She’s extroverted and enjoys meeting new people
– She’s confident and doesn’t mind sharing the spotlight with other women
– She has a good sense of humor and isn’t easily put off by other people
– She understands the concept of subtlety (i.e. not approaching another woman to say, “My guy friend thinks you’re cute!”)

Like running in high heels or, well, giving birth, some things are just better left up to the girls – including picking up chicks.