Archive for September 27, 2009

Man Law #51 – Negotiate a Relationship like you Negotiate a Salary, State your Boundaries and Never Settle for Less than You’re Worth.

September 27, 2009 1 comment

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It’s imperative when you first start dating someone new that you set certain boundaries for what you are willing and not willing to do.   These boundaries don’t need to be set in rock solid stone, however, its been my experience that if you find yourself compromising over and over and you tend to get the shorter end of the stick, than this is not a woman you want to get involved with. Think of a boundary as an invisible fence – she doesn’t need to know exactly where it is,  she just needs to know if she crosses it.  The men that have no boundaries will find that they are too often put into the friend zone when dating women.  These are the guys that she is interested in at first, and quickly realizes that she can walk all over, thus losing any attractiveness to the guy that she once had.  Despite any games she may play with you to test these boundaries, you need to retain your composure, reinforce the surrounding perimeter, and if necessary, walk from the deal…

An attractive woman might attempt to strong arm your interactions. She might try to  state the conditions that she will go out with you. It's for this reason that you need to keep cool, and walk from a deal if its clear you are on the losing end...

An attractive woman might attempt to strong arm your interactions. She might try to state the conditions that she will go out with you. It's for this reason that you need to keep cool, and walk from a deal if its clear you are on the losing end...

It’s alright if she expects to be treated like a Queen, but you better be sure that she is treating YOU as the King. And most likely, she’s not treating you any different than all the other guys that meet her initially, especially at first and she has nothing invested in the relationship. Its for this very reason that you need to take things slowly  especially with respect to your finances, and not spend a lot of money on her with hopes of impressing her. Think of each week that passes by as an increase in the amount you are willing to spend on her.    She will be more impressed by your ingenuity and resourcefulness in planning a date rather than the AMOUNT that you spend on it.  The enjoyment the two of you experience together needs to be independent of the amount of money you find yourself spending.

While this law applies to men just as easily as to women, I find that far too often a guy will overly compensate for a woman he likes and as a result, she will lose interest and either keep him on a rotation of men that she is currently dating without really “elevating” him above the pack OR worse (and yes, this always seems to be the case), throws him in the Friend Zone. An excellent example is a movie I saw last week after years and years of women saying that I should read the book and/or see the movie,  “He’s Just Not That Into You“. Many of us know people who have had dating/relationship encounters such as the ones that occur in the movie.  Scarlett Johannson’s character plays a woman who is infatuated with a married man. Even though she KNOWS he is in a relationship, this only increases his attractiveness to her. Meanwhile, she finds a guy that she used to date , Conor Barry, who is portrayed as a successful Real Estate man and would potentially be a more sustainable and compatible partner,  as unsuitable and no matter how hard he tries, she just is not that into him. After realizing her infatuation with the married man will never go anywhere, she (reluctantly?) relents to Conor’s advances, and becomes his girlfriend.   She ultimately uses Conor to fill in the gaps while the guy she actually likes is attempting to form (or maintain a life with his wife depending on your viewpoint) .  In the end,  she relegates Conor to the friend zone after he hoped to have her move in with him to a house he was planning to buy.  Tough Break Conor.

Just about all of us have had the shades pulled over our eyes when we were seriously attracted to someone…We saw what we wanted to see.  When we really like someone,  he/she could do just about anything and we will rationalize it over and over.  We’ll most likely downplay the signs of non-interest, and exaggerate the signs of interest.   In almost any and every situation where I have questioned signs of non-interest to the extent that I sought out another person’s interpretation, these relationships did not work out. How far she stretches you out of your comfort zone is directly proportional to how hard the breakup will be for you in the end.

It’s for that reason that you need to set certain boundaries right from the start…It doesn’t mean black and white, take it or leave it, it simply means that if a compromise to her is 80/20…and you are the 20, you need to cut your losses and move on. You’ll be happier you left the situation and more than likely, your buddies have been telling you this all along and you simply didn’t want to realize it. If you find yourself consistently compromising your own well being in order to satisfy her, than cut your losses, move on and never settle for less than you are worth….

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