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Man Law #43 – When dating a new woman, Take it one day at a time. NEVER plan a date more time in advance than the length you have already been dating.

September 9, 2009 4 comments

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Only plan a date in advance as LONG as you've known her. Don't plan the Honeymoon before you've been engaged...

If you just met the girl a week ago, do NOT plan to take her to that new show or comedy act coming to town four weeks in the future. TOO MUCH CAN HAPPEN. She can meet someone else, you can meet someone else. This shows too much interest on your part and the woman will view you as easily won for doing so little to get your attention. It can be hard to resist this urge especially if the two of you hit it off really early.  It’s been my experience that the faster things heat up, the faster they will cool down if you have not spent some time getting to know each other a bit.  Whether the two of you have already escalated into a physical relationship or not, do not get overly excited and start planning the names of your children and the locations of your wedding. She might think its funny at first, but to herself, she may very well be thinking “This guy barely knows me and he thinks I am this way, wait until he sees me without make up on or when I’m in one of my moods…then he’ll leave.” If things escalate quickly, you want to step back and spend some time doing the simpler things.

Only plan 1 or 2 weeks max in advance after meeting her...If you already know you want to take her thats great, wait a week or so before asking her to go...

Only plan 1 or 2 weeks max in advance after meeting her...If you already know you want to take her thats great, wait a week or so before asking her to go out with you...

Gentleman, we’ve all been there and I know I’ve been there plenty of times.  This used to happen a lot in college where you’d meet someone, things would heat up, you go out a few times, she tells you when her birthday is (…which is 4 months away) , and you tell her that you are going to buy her a new cell phone because the one she has now is out of style. SLOW DOWN. If you haven’t even known her for four weeks and you are planning to do something for her four months from now, you are moving way too fast.   This is a trap and an easy way to get into the “LETS JUST BE FRIENDS ZONE.” Play it safe the first few weeks and possibly months. Only plan 1-2 weeks in advance if the two of you are going out on dates.

Now, this applies only to one-on-one situations where you will be going out only with her. When it comes to a group setting or a party that is happening in the future, its better to elude to an event that you are hosting and then as it approaches, invite her to that event. If you have not lost interest, invite her to the event. A lot can happen in a short time, you might meet someone and so could she, so don’t get your hopes up.

Man Law #42 – Understand Arrogant Cockiness vs Unbreakable Confidence!

September 8, 2009 5 comments

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There is a very thin line between cockiness and confidence and it is so easy to step over that many men are not really aware of when they do,

The fist pump is Cockyness at its finest...

The fist pump is cockiness at its finest...

including myself. The best explanation for the difference between confidence and cockiness that I have heard is that confidence takes into account the feelings of others, while cockiness does not.

A quick Google search on “Cocky Men” brought dozens of articles and debates where men ask women why they love jerks/cocky men. Listed below are only a few of the sites:

There are even sites by women dedicated to “Cocky Men”

It’s not entirely our fault that men are encouraged by other men to be cocky. We learned it on the playground, the game field, and the board room. Our naturally competitive nature and desire to be the best makes it easy for us to fill our own heads with delusions of grandeur. cockiness is a defense mechanism to overcompensate for insecurities we might experience when challenged. Confidence relies on past successful experiences where we consciously determined the outcome from the start.

I have yet to find a person who can state that they are 100% Confident in any given situation.  What I have found have been great actors. I do believe that the way out of insecurity is to recognize insecurity for what it is and keep it from falling into a downward spiral of failure where one “mistake” or slip up snowballs into a disaster.

Timeless classics such as the Inner Game of Tennis by Timothy Gallwey focus on staying mentally strong and overcoming fear and nervousness.  Don’t write off this book as only being for Tennis.  This masterpiece comes highly recommended in many different fields and came to me as I aspired to become a better musician and dealing with performance anxiety.

The women can't get enough of this guy...Whenever I ask whats an example of a confident guy, before I can finish the sentece "George Clooney" pops out...

The women can't get enough of this guy...Whenever I ask whats an example of a confident guy, before I can finish the sentence "George Clooney" pops out... Unbreakable Confidence...

It seems that every woman has their own personal upper limit threshold of toleration when it comes to confidence and cockiness.  Once you cross that line, she will disqualify you and most likely write you off as arrogant. While all women seem to want a confident man, a mixture of both confident and cocky self-dinegrating humor seem to form the killer formula.

Unbreakable confidence doesn’t mean that nothing bothers you, it simply means that no matter what the outcome, the result will not change your state of mind.

Man Law #41 – Initiate the Approach; Initiate the Departure.

September 7, 2009 10 comments

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Strive to be the initiator at all points of the interaction. Many women will wait until you make the first move before they decide how to react. Even the upwardly mobile, career-oriented go-getters will still fall into traditional “man pursues the woman” role from time to time.  Everything from making plans for the weekend to deciding whether to make the relationship official, she expects you to decide first. Thus, it’s important to maintain the upbeat flow of the conversation and while perhaps cruel punishment,  leave her first.

At any given time, women like this have 2-3 men pursuing them. Utilize Situational Openers to open up conversation.  They will let you know in a heartbeat whether they are available...

At any given time, women like this have multiple men pursuing them. Utilize Situational Openers to open up conversation. They will let you know in a heartbeat whether they are available...

The reason for initiating the departure is that this signals that you have a purpose and you are wanted elsewhere. If the spirit of the interaction drops, and you find yourself “lingering” in proximity to a stranger you just met, this will send up red flags to most women and she may even label you a creep. Even if its simply to go to the bathroom and stand at the opposite end of the bar/venue, you do not want to let an upbeat interaction between the two of you stall out.

Now, here is where the problem sets in…WHEN do you approach the woman and How? Men are typically blind to this aspect of women. We just don’t see it. Instead of going up to a man she’s interested in, a woman will create a situation where SHE is approachable. If you are on the dance floor, and suddenly, two or more girls start dancing right in front of you…Chances are, they are not there because the dance floor is crowded. If you are standing by the artichoke dip and she walks over past the rest of the food on the table to get to that artichoke dip…Chances are, she could have eaten that tostito with the salsa that was right in front of her…

It baffled me at first why women do this – why must she be so sly in her “approach.” And after much thinking, this has been the result of my musings…

Women do not get dolled up like this to sit in the corner and chat with the girlfriends.  The open body language and glances are inviting YOU to approach. Be aware of the proximation to the bar and remember Man Law #1.

Women do not get dolled up like this to sit in the corner and chat with their girlfriends all night. Open body language and glances are inviting YOU to approach. Be aware of the proximity to the bar and remember Man Law #1.

Creating the situation that will allow you to approach grants her one thing, and one thing only – plausible deniability. Whether she has a boyfriend or not, if she is ever asked to explain, how the two of you met, she can say that YOU approached her. Plausible Deniability is important to women in many situations not only in the initial approach, but in any situation where her actions might not be held in high regard by her social group if and when they find out. Ultimately, it boils down to this – she can deny that she had anything to do with your interaction with her. If you were an absolute dud, she can state – “Some loser just came up to me”, where as, if you knock her socks off and she disappears from the scene with you, she can state “Some guy just came up to me and one thing led to another …and bada bing, bada boom…” While this latter situation might be rare, it illustrates the point that she can act the innocent victim which will save her from any accusations by her girlfriends of being considered promiscuous.

(Editorial Note: Women, for an excellent explanation for why men are too dumb to notice when you want them to approach you,  be sure to check out this article on Why Men Prefer Direct Pickup Lines.)

Man Law #39 – ‘Man Talk’ – Utilize Situational Openers. Observe your Surroundings.

September 3, 2009 1 comment

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There are several different ways you can naturally approach a woman that you would like to get to know.  Whatever you’ve heard about using scripted pick up lines, don’t do it.  Most women consider them cheesy, hate them, or think they are just plain offensive.  While they might be “flattered” that you came up to them, most pick up lines simply do not have the effect you would like them to have…

Perfect example! Asking her opinion on something in front of you is a great way to strike up a conversation...

Perfect example! Asking her opinion on something in front of you is a great way to strike up a conversation...

The best way that I’ve observed to naturally open a conversation up with a woman (or really anyone) is by pointing out an object that both of you can see, immediately right there in front of you.  For instance, showing interest in a book that she is reading will mark you as someone who is at the very least slightly intellectual.  If you are at a museum, asking her opinion on the art piece in front of both of you, is a good way to broach the conversation…  Likewise, if you are at a party/gathering, and you observe that she is eating food by the Hors d’Oeuvres table, asking her opinion by saying something to the extent of “Will I die if I eat this?”, will make her laugh and then following up with “How does it taste?” will get her to describe it.   You’ve really already done the hard part at this point.  Either way, this approach is not seen as “aggressive” .

(Editorial note: Be careful when at a concert or other performance and using a situational opener. This will draw her attention away from the performance and she might find it annoying. Better to ask what she thinks AFTER the concert is over than while it is happening. )

Again, this is where your Cultivation of Humor (Man Law #23) comes in handy… The first few times you meet her you want to keep things lighthearted, flirtatious, and stay away from heavily charged topics like her thoughts on the “War in Iraq” or her views on Health Care. Current events are great topics in a group setting but one-on-one, your primary focus should be learning about…yes…her.  By asking her opinion, you are asking what SHE thinks which is very important in her getting comfortable with you.

The good thing about situational openers is that they work even after the two of you have met each other…You can use them the first time you meet her, or after you two have been dating for six months. For instance, If you are walking through a park, and see a pair of dogs mating, you could point it out to her and say “Don’t get any ideas…”.  Wit mixed with observational skills is a powerful tool.

Is it just me or does it look like we are sitting on a male bodypart?

"Is it just me, or does it look like we are sitting on a male body part to you too?"

During the conversation, you want to stay in the moment. Don’t start talking about how drunk you got the night before or what you did at work today, especially with someone new. She doesn’t want to hear it. You want to keep the conversation right there in front of you. She might ask what you did last weekend, don’t fall for it gentleman…change the subject, its a trap. Use this opportunity to make something up so completely unbelievable that she has to laugh. You MUST do this with a straight face for the right effect.

Man Law #38 – ‘Man Talk’ – Cherry-Pick the Conversation.

September 3, 2009 4 comments

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The Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines Cherry-pick as the following

Cherry Pick [v] – \ˈcher-ē pik \ – to select as being the best or most desirable

Cherry-Picking in a nutshell is simply grabbing the elements from the conversation that she holds out for you to grab...

Cherry-Picking the conversation in a nutshell is simply grabbing the elements from the conversation that she holds out for you...

To a man, a woman’s mind is made up of countless details with no beginning or end.  She may talk for 15-20 minutes straight without you really knowing what she really is talking about…

The Art of Cherry-Picking the conversation is this, you pick certain elements (usually nouns) in the conversation that you can repeat back to her at a later point.   You can think of these as bookmarks that you want to remember to re-visit (for you IT geeks that ‘page‘) at a later time.  This will re-assure her that you were listening.

If a woman gets the impression that you are not listening to her, she may purposely steer the conversation in a direction that she KNOWs you will not be interested in… For instance, If she knows that you are a slight homophobe, and suddenly she is describing in detail the sex life of her gay best friend, MAKE SURE you have bookmarked some cherry-picked conversations from earlier. This is one of her many “test” and the ones who pass, make it to the next level or at the very least, are not disqualified as soon as you leave her field of vision or hang up the phone.

When this Man Law was first posted, it was another law that received negative feedback from some women. Many women tried to say that this was too manipulative and why should a guy “fake” that he is listening…

If done correctly, Cherry-Picking is active listening where both parties are involved. While the man might not immediately respond to the fact that you attended Columbia University, or that you had a cat named “Milo” when you were a kid, he MIGHT remember that you went to an Ivy League school in New York, or that you had a cat growing up, and while the details of which might be lost (hey, there’s is only so much you can ask of us), he did LISTEN.  A lot of women will say to themselves “We know they are dumb, but he passed with a C average”…Passing with a C is remembering that she went to a good school in New York.  Passing with a “B” would be knowing that she went to Columbia University in New York and her cat was named “Milo”, and passing with an “A”, would be mentioning an interesting fact that you know about Columbia that she does NOT know such as knowing that the founder of the School of Social Work  which she mentioned she had a degree from, was “Dean Jeanette Takamura” in 1898. This is heavy seductive stuff, so if you pass with an A, her next question just might be “You’re place or mine?”

Cherry-Picking the conversation typically surprises women as they write off 90% of men as not listening which ends up hurting the man in the long run as this communicates to her that you do not care…

Another example of Cherry-Picking might go like this – if she mentions that she did a semester abroad in Spain as an undergrad, make a mental note in your head (“Spain”, “Semester Abroad”) while continuing the conversation! Then 10 minutes later or even an entire conversation later, mention her trip to Spain and she will know you were listening in the first place…When it comes to listening, women do not really have high expectations of men so just re-calling one or two things from a previous conversation will set you leaps and bounds apart from 95% of the guys she meets. If you do it correctly she’ll have a noticeable SHOCK on her face and say “I didn’t think you were listening!”

Other resources for listening:

Man Law #36 – “Man Talk” – When you first start dating a new women, KEEP PAST RELATIONSHIPS in the PAST.

September 2, 2009 2 comments

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The first few times you go out with her, don’t talk about who you used to date or who she used to date. This may cause her to attribute feelings she felt with her ex – towards you! OR she might place you in the Friends Zone. She might look to you to explain why things didn’t work out with HER ex…this is not where you want to be.

"Wait...How many women did you say you slept with?!?!"

"Wait...How many women did you say you slept with?!?!"

You are here now. If the topic of relationships does come up, ask her what sorts of things shes looking for in a relationship? If she says shes enjoying the single lifestyle, chances are, she’s not looking for anything serious…but if she says she’s tired of men who only want one thing, she’s probably not going to be happy with casual hooking up with no exclusivity…  Keep the conversations lighthearted the first few times you meet her…there will be plenty of chances to talk to her about deep subjects if you two get past the first few dates…

Keep it simple, Make the first few dates SMALL TALK only.

Additional Articles on Conversational skills and Making Small Talk:

Man Law #35 – A Woman Practices Selective Forgetfulness…

September 2, 2009 5 comments

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A woman can remember the shirt designer and outfit that you wore when you first met her on Friday, July 24, 2002, but still forgets one and ONLY one item at your place when she sleeps over…. and they call us the forgetful ones!

She may look innocent but she is strategically planning where she can accidently "forget" one of her things in your room!

She may look innocent but she is strategically planning where she can accidently "forget" one of her things in your room!

I first noticed this pattern in college and I wrote it off as something that only young women tend to do…An earring here, a necklace there… Now, a few years later, women are still doing the exact same thing! Why? Is this a territorial thing? Is this so you are left “wondering” what she is up to? Is it so she has a reason to come back or you HAVE to see her again?

I actually LIKE when women do this, but I’ll be damned if I understand WHY they do it…Women, don’t let your male counterparts suffer like this…shed some light here! Explanation GREATLY appreciated…

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