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Man Law #41 – Initiate the Approach; Initiate the Departure.


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Strive to be the initiator at all points of the interaction. Many women will wait until you make the first move before they decide how to react. Even the upwardly mobile, career-oriented go-getters will still fall into traditional “man pursues the woman” role from time to time.  Everything from making plans for the weekend to deciding whether to make the relationship official, she expects you to decide first. Thus, it’s important to maintain the upbeat flow of the conversation and while perhaps cruel punishment,  leave her first.

At any given time, women like this have 2-3 men pursuing them. Utilize Situational Openers to open up conversation.  They will let you know in a heartbeat whether they are available...

At any given time, women like this have multiple men pursuing them. Utilize Situational Openers to open up conversation. They will let you know in a heartbeat whether they are available...

The reason for initiating the departure is that this signals that you have a purpose and you are wanted elsewhere. If the spirit of the interaction drops, and you find yourself “lingering” in proximity to a stranger you just met, this will send up red flags to most women and she may even label you a creep. Even if its simply to go to the bathroom and stand at the opposite end of the bar/venue, you do not want to let an upbeat interaction between the two of you stall out.

Now, here is where the problem sets in…WHEN do you approach the woman and How? Men are typically blind to this aspect of women. We just don’t see it. Instead of going up to a man she’s interested in, a woman will create a situation where SHE is approachable. If you are on the dance floor, and suddenly, two or more girls start dancing right in front of you…Chances are, they are not there because the dance floor is crowded. If you are standing by the artichoke dip and she walks over past the rest of the food on the table to get to that artichoke dip…Chances are, she could have eaten that tostito with the salsa that was right in front of her…

It baffled me at first why women do this – why must she be so sly in her “approach.” And after much thinking, this has been the result of my musings…

Women do not get dolled up like this to sit in the corner and chat with the girlfriends.  The open body language and glances are inviting YOU to approach. Be aware of the proximation to the bar and remember Man Law #1.

Women do not get dolled up like this to sit in the corner and chat with their girlfriends all night. Open body language and glances are inviting YOU to approach. Be aware of the proximity to the bar and remember Man Law #1.

Creating the situation that will allow you to approach grants her one thing, and one thing only – plausible deniability. Whether she has a boyfriend or not, if she is ever asked to explain, how the two of you met, she can say that YOU approached her. Plausible Deniability is important to women in many situations not only in the initial approach, but in any situation where her actions might not be held in high regard by her social group if and when they find out. Ultimately, it boils down to this – she can deny that she had anything to do with your interaction with her. If you were an absolute dud, she can state – “Some loser just came up to me”, where as, if you knock her socks off and she disappears from the scene with you, she can state “Some guy just came up to me and one thing led to another …and bada bing, bada boom…” While this latter situation might be rare, it illustrates the point that she can act the innocent victim which will save her from any accusations by her girlfriends of being considered promiscuous.

(Editorial Note: Women, for an excellent explanation for why men are too dumb to notice when you want them to approach you,  be sure to check out this article on Why Men Prefer Direct Pickup Lines.)

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  1. DJ Long
    September 8, 2009 at 8:46 am

    but one also must be careful that there aren’t other men in the close proximity that she could be more interested in. not to say that she isn’t attracted to your particular brand of male-ness. but, scan your immediate area and check her gaze, if she glances either multiple times or for long enough for you to notice before she looks away, then yes, she’s “after” you. if anything, strike up simple conversation and make her laugh (as directed in previous man laws) and see where that goes. if she isn’t into you or feeling your body model type, she’ll still tell her friends about the funny/charming/chill guy she met over by the chips and perhaps point her friends in your direction. thus this makes the stranger into a “pinch hit” wingman/woman… kudos.

    • September 8, 2009 at 8:52 am

      I agree! Even with women making direct eye contact with you and perhaps smiling, I can only think of a handful of times where the woman has actually walked up and introduced herself. Regardless, she needs to be left with an impression of you that she can tell her friends about in a good way… A guy she can “Oh, I just met a guy you really have to meet…if I wasn’t married, I’d snag him…”

  2. D
    September 8, 2009 at 1:47 pm

    Completely agree with the idea of guys initiating the approach. However, the reasons behind why women wait for men to initiate it are often nowhere near as conniving as those described. More often than not the reason has nothing to do with granting the woman “plausible deniability.” Women do not initiate the approach because they believe that society expects them not to. So if a woman goes against societal expectations, forget about what the girlfriends think. The guy she’s interested in will not think much of her either. Also, for the same reason (societal expectations), a woman knows that the guy also knows that he is expected to act if he is interested. If he’s not, the woman concludes, he is not interested, or not interested enough.

    As for initiating the departure…That will work once. However, if the guy approaches the woman and departs again, with some lame excuse, such as “I need to go to the bathroom”, the conclusion again is: he’s either playing games or not really interested.

    • September 8, 2009 at 6:59 pm

      D, thanks for posting. I found this article and thought you might find it interesting. It does not dispute your viewpoint. It rather points out why guys like direct approaches: http://www.spring.org.uk/2009/06/why-men-prefer-direct-pick-up-lines.php

    • DJ Long
      October 1, 2009 at 11:33 am

      Personally, I’m more than ok with women coming up and initiating communication, etc. And I know for many men out there, being approached by the woman makes them feel a bit moer at ease. They’ll still stumble over themselves trying sound intelligent and interesting, but the hard task of starting conversation is over. Now, they just need to maintain that interaction.
      But we all know our society is a bit messed up and lacks and lags in many areas. Hopefully, and I already see it in the youth I work with, that more and more of those gender-based expectations are being removed or bent. Truthfully, if you like someone or think they’re cute, just tell them. I do. Even random women on the street as i pass by and will most likely never see again and I keep moving, hopefully bringing a smile to her face and a moment of goodness in her day.

      • December 23, 2012 at 9:48 am

        Hoy por primera vez he visto tu arte, el video de urinaka tiene talento, nunca habia conocido nada de urinaka, pero ese video de hizo llorar. Soy de Colombia Sur america, y lo tuve la sensacion al ver el video que rera parte de mi vida, llore y me senti tan cercano a esa historia .. solo un artista puede romper la barreras del tiempo, el idioma, y las nacionalidades para hacerte sentir una emocion!!!! exitos y continua haciendo sentir a las personas las emociones mas inesperadas por medio de tu arte!!!!!!!!!!

  3. So E.Z. a Caveman Could Do It
    November 14, 2010 at 12:17 am

    Approaching takes balls, so does leaving in the middle of the conversation. It shows you’re a man that does what he wants and feels is right. No over-analyzing. No worries as to how you’re being percieved. You’re living in the moment and don’t care what happens next. Would it be nice to go from bar to the bedroom? Of course, but if it doesn’t happen, you don’t give a f**k.

    So why don’t more women approach dudes? For a number of reasons. First of all society has made it the norm for MEN to do the approaching. It sucks, its unfair…its life. Besides man/woman traditions, making the first move is a risky move. Approaching someone you’re interested in puts you in a position of weakness as much as it shows your strength and initiative. She’s thinking about what you’re really after, why have you started the conversation, and usually girls will think that its because you find them physically attractive. This puts the ball in her court from the first sentence you utter. She can then immediately choose to accept your advances or reject you on the spot.

    I find that the plausible deniability theory to be valid. Women HATE being blamed or caught for wrongdoings. They love to think of themselves as being talented enough to get away with sh*t using their subtlety and charms, being sneaky about things. If she has a boyfriend and starts even innocently talking with another dude, she has “cheater” stamped on your forhead by her bf or girlfriends.

  4. December 20, 2012 at 7:45 pm

    that she wanted to be fdrneis and I have reservations about it because I’m still in love with her and I cant be fdrneis with her, I need her on a romantic level not a buddy level but I agreed because I was thought that at least shes still in my life. So she would call me out of the blue sometimes to see how I was doing and my family invited her to a family outing and she said that she could probably make it but she didn’t want to give me the wrong impression and she wanted to see me and my family because she misses everyone so much. Well tonight I called her because I read on her facebook that she worried about a certain person and I thought maybe it was me but it was an old from high school that was in the hospital and next week she is going to florida to see him ( we live in ohio) after she graduates from grad school next sunday. She said that its totally innocent but I have my doubts so I told her that I still missed her and the I wanted to know if she still loved me and as she said that we have been through all of this before, So I asked her if I should just give up and move on and she didn’t answer then I said why are you avoiding the question and she said that she had to go and hung up on me. So I was heated and a few hours later I called her back and told don’t call me again and she said ok in a cocky condescending tone and then I was like what you don’t care and she was like yeah I care but if that’s what you want. But I don’t want that, I want her back because I’m still so in love with her. I’ve looked up how to get your ex back and all the articles says the first step is the no contact rule, break all contact with her and I was just wondering if that’s the best way. I just want her to come back. We broke up because I have been out of work since May of 09 and she said that she resents me a little because I didn’t really go job hunting and that she loves me but shes not sure if its the same way. Did I do the right thing by breaking all contact with her?sorry for my grammer, I’m a little emotional right now. Also she hung up on me after I told her no to call me anymore. why does this hurt so much.

  1. November 3, 2009 at 3:43 pm
  2. November 15, 2010 at 11:20 pm

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