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Man Law #51 – Negotiate a Relationship like you Negotiate a Salary, State your Boundaries and Never Settle for Less than You’re Worth.
It’s imperative when you first start dating someone new that you set certain boundaries for what you are willing and not willing to do. These boundaries don’t need to be set in rock solid stone, however, its been my experience that if you find yourself compromising over and over and you tend to get the shorter end of the stick, than this is not a woman you want to get involved with. Think of a boundary as an invisible fence – she doesn’t need to know exactly where it is, she just needs to know if she crosses it. The men that have no boundaries will find that they are too often put into the friend zone when dating women. These are the guys that she is interested in at first, and quickly realizes that she can walk all over, thus losing any attractiveness to the guy that she once had. Despite any games she may play with you to test these boundaries, you need to retain your composure, reinforce the surrounding perimeter, and if necessary, walk from the deal…
An attractive woman might attempt to strong arm your interactions. She might try to state the conditions that she will go out with you. It's for this reason that you need to keep cool, and walk from a deal if its clear you are on the losing end...
It’s alright if she expects to be treated like a Queen, but you better be sure that she is treating YOU as the King. And most likely, she’s not treating you any different than all the other guys that meet her initially, especially at first and she has nothing invested in the relationship. Its for this very reason that you need to take things slowly especially with respect to your finances, and not spend a lot of money on her with hopes of impressing her. Think of each week that passes by as an increase in the amount you are willing to spend on her. She will be more impressed by your ingenuity and resourcefulness in planning a date rather than the AMOUNT that you spend on it. The enjoyment the two of you experience together needs to be independent of the amount of money you find yourself spending.
While this law applies to men just as easily as to women, I find that far too often a guy will overly compensate for a woman he likes and as a result, she will lose interest and either keep him on a rotation of men that she is currently dating without really “elevating” him above the pack OR worse (and yes, this always seems to be the case), throws him in the Friend Zone. An excellent example is a movie I saw last week after years and years of women saying that I should read the book and/or see the movie, “He’s Just Not That Into You“. Many of us know people who have had dating/relationship encounters such as the ones that occur in the movie. Scarlett Johannson’s character plays a woman who is infatuated with a married man. Even though she KNOWS he is in a relationship, this only increases his attractiveness to her. Meanwhile, she finds a guy that she used to date , Conor Barry, who is portrayed as a successful Real Estate man and would potentially be a more sustainable and compatible partner, as unsuitable and no matter how hard he tries, she just is not that into him. After realizing her infatuation with the married man will never go anywhere, she (reluctantly?) relents to Conor’s advances, and becomes his girlfriend. She ultimately uses Conor to fill in the gaps while the guy she actually likes is attempting to form (or maintain a life with his wife depending on your viewpoint) . In the end, she relegates Conor to the friend zone after he hoped to have her move in with him to a house he was planning to buy. Tough Break Conor.
Just about all of us have had the shades pulled over our eyes when we were seriously attracted to someone…We saw what we wanted to see. When we really like someone, he/she could do just about anything and we will rationalize it over and over. We’ll most likely downplay the signs of non-interest, and exaggerate the signs of interest. In almost any and every situation where I have questioned signs of non-interest to the extent that I sought out another person’s interpretation, these relationships did not work out. How far she stretches you out of your comfort zone is directly proportional to how hard the breakup will be for you in the end.
It’s for that reason that you need to set certain boundaries right from the start…It doesn’t mean black and white, take it or leave it, it simply means that if a compromise to her is 80/20…and you are the 20, you need to cut your losses and move on. You’ll be happier you left the situation and more than likely, your buddies have been telling you this all along and you simply didn’t want to realize it. If you find yourself consistently compromising your own well being in order to satisfy her, than cut your losses, move on and never settle for less than you are worth….
Man Theory – The Art of Text, Part I.
(Editorial Note: Unlike previous Laws, Man Theory, will be a series of one or more essays dealing with a single issue. This first theory is on TEXTING versus CALLING. Be sure to check out the sequel post The Art of Text, Part II – The Rise of the Textual Revolution.)
Women, The reason why he doesn’t call: “It’s not you…its your voicemail!”
Most men do NOT call for this simple reason – Voice Mail. It is recorded evidence and from past experience, your message might be scrutinized by not only the woman you were trying to reach but her girl friends, guy friends, and just about anyone in the vicinity (including waiters and random strangers on the bus). We know this because its happened to us…
Female Friend: “Hahaha, listen to the message this loser left me…”
Guy: “Oh…ha…ha”.
Or worse things can happen such as this real life situation where a guy left quite possibly the worst message in voice mail history and not only did the woman keep the message, she recorded it and posted it on a blog (listen at your own risk!):
The Reason Some Girls Stay Single
http://melodymaker.posterous.com/the-reason-some-girls-stay-single-very-funny
Men generally appreciate text messages from women. To a Man, a text is NOT a sign of disinterest. If he was not interested, he would not contact you AT ALL, text or phone.
Now this tends to be funny for most women, but as a general rule, if for some reason the woman does not call the guy back, the guy has NO recourse. If he contacts her again after leaving a message he’s either a stalker, overly-interested, or creepy. Many women do NOT check their voicemail and yes, I know that YOU personally always check your voicemail…however, many “other” women wait for their voicemails to build up and simply delete them all at once or put it in their heads to call the guy back. What happens is that when a woman does not immediately call the guy back (“Oh, I’ll call him when I get home from my pedi“), the longer she waits, the less likely she is to call. After a certain number of days past, even if she wants to call the guy back, many times she won’t because she feels like the guy will be mad… Now ladies, when you don’t answer either because you are not by your phone or for any another reason, it forces the guy to make the best of 3 awkward decisions:
1. Keep Calling and don’t leave messages.
2. Call, Leave a Message, and Wait for your response
3. Call, Leave a Message, and Text.
Each of these choices, is awkward and uncomfortable. Thus, our prayers were answered…the TEXT was invented…the best thing to happen to men in the last 10 years… No longer are we forced to wonder if she received the message or not. We know she did. It’s a low, no pressure way of getting in touch with someone.
Now, a lot of women LOVE to talk on the phone with their friends…But that is just it… A man that is “pursuing” you, is not a friend…or at least not yet. If a man spends too much time on the phone with you, and not asking you out, women subconsciously place him in the friend zone.
Women, which would you rather have…flirtatious text multiple times a day, or no contact with you and a weekly hour phone call where he may or may not ask you out at the end? After an hour long conversation, in most cases, he will not feel any closer to you and may even question the point of asking you out or meeting up with you! Is the point of going out to get closer or to get physical?
Texting is a new phenomenon to both men and women. Never before in the history of the world has “TEXTING” even been an option when dealing with male and female relationships. While e-mail and instant message might be the grandparents and parents, respectively, the TEXT has broken new boundaries and thrown both men and women for a loop when it comes to social interactions. Women have thus written off TEXTing as a substandard way of communicating with each other…Many women think to themselves once receiving a text from a potential guy “What? No Call?!? He’s done…”
After speaking with many women on this issue, it is obvious to them, that a phone call is a sign of interest and that if a man does not call within the first few days of meeting that many women view this as an insult.
Women, nothing could be further from the truth.
Unless talking for a specific purpose, a typical conversation between a man and another man goes like this:
Precondition: Bill and Andy went to the same college and haven’t spoken in years. Randomly, Bill is in town and calls up Andy. Here is a sample of how that conversation might go:
Bill: “Hey Andy…dude…I’m just in town for the weekend…want to grab a drink?”
Andy: “Dude, no problem…lets hit up this new bar Night and Ice around 11..”
Bill: “Cool. I’m down”
Andy: “Cool, call me at 10:45 for directions. Later bro”
Bill: “Later Kid.”
When men communicate, it’s generally for one of two things…its to relay instructions OR to seek advice. They must have a specific PURPOSE to why they called…For a man to call up another man, just to TALK, he risk wasting the other man’s time… For instance…
George: “Hey Andy, how’s it going?”
Andy: “Just fine George…How can I help you?”
George: “No reason, just called to see how you were doing?”
Andy: “You What?”
George: “You know, just called to see how you were doing?”
Andy: “Don’t ever call me again George…you live across the street…if you want to talk just stop by”.
I, for one, am not a fan of talking on the phone. I’d easily place 90% of the calls I receive to be work related or something that someone wants me to do for them…Think about it…does your boss TEXT you to do something, or CALL you? Text is somewhat reserved for people you have a casual,no-pressure relationship with which is exactly where you want to start off when you first start seeing someone…
Homework Assignment: Women, check out this book: Flirtexting
Yes, this is a real book! Ladies, pick it up!
Man Law #49 – Electrify Thy Woman. Maintain Constant Tension.
You always want to be sharply between the two polarities and never get too comfortable in the middle. Once you have been neutralized, you are in the Friend Zone. A woman is striving to harmonize with you. While she will beyond a doubt, create unnecessary drama in your life (and hers), her underlying world view is one of peace and harmony. The kicker is that she is not attracted to this world that she strives to create.
Your Presence Needs to Electrify Her. She needs to be turned on by you. Familiarity breeds contempt! Maintain the tension!
While it might be one of luxury and leisure, her attraction buttons are naturally pushed by those that create dis-balance. That which disrupts and charges the atmosphere…That which “electrifies” her… Its her inability to understand a man’s behavior that is most attractive. Women LOVE to read how men think because it is so very different from hers… She might be attracted to someone who shares some commonalities at first – same home town, majored in the same subject, but the relationship that thrives is the man who loves the Yankees and the woman who loves the Red Sox. You might think she would like you better for abandoning your home team, but she will LOSE interest.
It’s baffling to a woman why a man would choose to live without flowers, nice smells, and things pleasing to the touch. It’s equally baffling to men, how he can walk into her place and not be allowed to use certain towels or sit on certain chairs because they are “for “show only.” To a man, this makes no sense. It’s almost as if buying food to look at, and not to eat. After all, who buys a big screen television, and doesn’t watch it? Everything in a Man’s home, needs to serve a purpose.
By creating constant tension in the relationship, and by tension, we are referring to sexual tension, flirtation, playful arguments, you are keeping the interaction, alive, and energetic. Once the two of you get bored and either of you get used to routine, you will experience “dead energy.” Ultimately, “dead energy” is a relationship that has fallen victim to familiarity. The two of you seek out each others company because you no longer hang out with the same friends you used to or do the same things you did before the relationship. Unless you consistently introduce new things, the relationship will become a victim of its own success…
Gentlemen, when you are on a date or out with your girlfriend you want to think of yourself like Indiana Jones traveling through the vicious jungle. Its your job to lead the interaction, jump into new experiences confidently, and “save” her from harms way. Since the majority of the people reading this live semi-close to society and a jungle may be hard to find…consider going out in a new part of town, trying a new restaurant, playing tennis, going dancing, plan something she will have to get dressed up for , eating something new…the point is, you need to constantly grow and TAKE RISK. It’s your strength, willingness to take chances, and yet remain un-phased which she finds most attractive… Even after you’ve been seeing her for a while, you need to continue to shock and surprise her…Maintain the tension…
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